October 30, 2015

16 Ways to Protect Your Marriage from Infidelity


16 Ways to Prevent Your Spouse from

Having an Affair

Let’s face it – marriage can be difficult. It seems like more and more people are having an affair these days, and unless you live under a rock, you’ve probably noticed tons of stories all over the news, too. Heartbreaking, right?! If there’s ever been a time to step up your game in your marriage, it’s right now, and we felt like this post just couldn’t wait. It’s too important. SO – we put our heads together, and drummed up 16 fantastic tips to keep your marriage strong, and protect it from infidelity!

These are really good to keep in mind. A must-read, even if you have a solid marriage.

1. Come up with expectations as a couple, and keep those expectations clear. Decide where you stand on social media use, being alone with the opposite gender, texting, and work situations now – and then stick to them from here on out. Once, when I was a youth, I needed a ride home from a church activity. One of the male leaders said, “I’m sorry, but my spouse and I made a commitment never to be alone with the opposite gender – I hope you understand. Let’s figure out someone else who can take you home.” I was so young, and that thought had never dawned on me before. It made such an impression on me, and I had even more respect for him and his wife after that situation. So be bold. Keep them clear. Don’t be ashamed – it will make a lasting impression.

2. Make them a priority. Spoil your spouse, not your kids. We Divas know how hard this can be; it’s a constant juggling act to balance children, work, and, of course…your spouse! We can speak from experience; when you put your spouse first, (and spoil your spouse instead of your kids), everything in your home and marriage will be a whole lot happier. It may be a difficult transition, (especially for the kids), but it will be well worth it.

3. Make quality time happen. We all have a deep need to be loved, wanted, and cared for. I found this study of men to be so interesting. I loved this line: “spouses’ mutual dependence on each other was associated with happy and healthy marriages.” From this data, I can easily see that the most successful, happy men are the ones who have solid relationships with their parents, siblings, and wives. We have said it before, and we’ll say it again – date night is a must. They don’t always need to be over-the-top romantic or expertly planned, either; just focus on having fun together. Focus on what you love about each other. Focus on trying new things together. Focus on conversation. Focus on getting to know one another in a whole new way. If you find yourself drifting apart emotionally, time to schedule some date nights and dive in head first! Luckily, you have come to the right place – we have hundreds and hundreds and HUNDREDS of date night ideas!

4. Take it up a notch in the bedroom. Let’s talk about our favorite room for just a quick sec. If that room needs improving, make it a priority. Expressing love to your spouse in the most sacred, physical, spiritual, and emotional way possible fulfills so many needs and requirements on so many levels. Start simple, pick one or two things to work on, and take it slow. Together, decide how often you both want (or need!) to have sex, and make that number happen. It will do wonders for your marriage – we know from experience! Ensuring both partners are enjoying their “bedroom life” as a couple is key to affair-proofing your marriage. It’s a bit daunting for some, and we understand that just as much as anyone else. Thankfully, we have a ton of resources that can help; like this 75 Sexy Bedroom Games round-up, the Game of Love, our Ultimate Intimacy Pack, or this fun Jenga game. We have a ton more ideas and games to liven things up here, too!

Great things to keep in mind going forward, even if you have a great marriage.

5. Be intentional. Decide what your dream marriage looks like, set some goals, and make it happen. Easier said than done, we know, but your ideal marriage is yours for the taking. What does your dream relationship with your spouse look like? Do you have a date night weekly? Go to bed together? Exercise daily? Eat better? Make love more often? Take romantic getaways? We really, really love our goal setting printable pack – so fill yours out with your spouse, and think of how you can make the next year the strongest your marriage has ever seen!

6. Be a familiar face. Meet each others friends and colleagues. Whether it’s a simple group date night, or an employee BBQ – make an effort to get to know who your spouse surrounds themselves with on a daily basis. It helps when I can envision who my husband is with throughout the day, and it’s even better if I can let them get to know me. I don’t mean to sound primal here, but mark your territory! Show up, be there, and let people know you don’t plan on going anywhere. It may sound overly protective, but I don’t think you can be too careful these days. Plus, hey – new friends!

7. Never be alone with the opposite sex. Just don’t do it. Even in work situations, if you can help it. (Of course, we understand that isn’t always a possibility, but requesting other people to join you for their input, or to keep the door open could work!) Right along with that? Texting. Texting members of the opposite sex can just about always be avoided (again, work may pose an issue; if so, you can always call them during appropriate work hours instead, or figure out a different way if you aren’t comfortable). Make it clear right from the get-go, and there won’t be nearly as many problems.

8. Open up the vault. No secrets! (…okay okay, unless it’s a surprise or gift!) Have access to each others passwords, bank accounts, social media accounts, and whatever else you see fit. We know that might not work for everybody, but it’s one of many ways to show that you can show trust each other. Diva Gabby’s husband asks himself, “Would I feel comfortable telling my wife about this?” If not, it probably shouldn’t happen. Vice versa for wives, too!

Ways to prevent your spouse having an affair!

9. Choose to love your spouse. Is the going getting a bit tough? When you get upset, make the choice to love your spouse. Over and over and over again. (As long as the relationship isn’t abusive, of course). Let the bad feelings go. When you put holding a grudge hand-in-hand with not completely forgiving one another, it can cause people to justify their wrong choices. Don’t go there. Remember why you fell in love with them. Re-create your proposal. Write down a list of what you love about them, and look at it often. Choose to forgive, and choose to love.

10. Keep your private feelings just that – private. This is a big one. Having an affair – emotionally – is a very real problem. Don’t emotionally confide in a member of the opposite gender. If you feel like you can’t confide in your spouse, you need to ask yourself why. Your #1 priority from now until then is figuring that out, and fixing the problem. What is it that makes you turn to others? When you open up to a member of the opposite sex that isn’t your spouse, what you are really saying is, “I need to talk – and I don’t want to do it with my spouse.” Rather, open up to your spouse on a regular basis. Make sure they know your thoughts, dreams, worries, happy moments, and whatever else you have on your mind. Make them your #1 go-to on all-things-you, and expect the same in return.

11. Rejoice in what you have – not what you don’t. Think the grass is greener on the other side? Think again. Comparing your spouse to others can cause serious consequences – and research proves it. When couples focus on what great qualities their spouse has, rather than what they don’t have, the article mentioned, “…these people are able to maintain positive views of their partner in spite of unfavorable comparisons. They still see their partner as being close to their ideal partner, which has positive implications on their relationship.” So remember what an amazing person you married; remember those butterflies, and bring them back on a regular basis.

12. Keep in contact throughout the day. If you’re like most couples, you spend your days apart, and only have your evenings together. Who says you can’t stay in touch all day, though? When I hear regularly from my husband, and he hears regularly from me, we both feel like we are still close, even though we are geographically far apart. My favorite texts are the ones that simply say, “Hey – whatcha up to? Just thinking about you.” Simple texts like these remind me that we each have nothing to hide during our days apart. Some of the Divas highly recommend an app called Couple – you can even thumb-kiss in real time! Ha!

13. Chat about your day. In detail. Right before I married my husband, I lived with some other (amazing) girls as roommates in college. We used to sit around at night, after school or work, and tell each other E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G about our day. We spared no detail. What we ate for breakfast, how we saw that creepy guy on the bus again, how-so-and-so was outside raking their leaves earlier…the list goes on and on. So after my husband and I were married, I expected the same level of communication every day. I soon realized that most men don’t share their innermost thoughts and experiences like women do… and that’s okay. For us, we’ve reached a compromise – we have 15 minutes of uninterrupted/screen free “detail sharing” time everyday after we put the kids to bed. We talk about everything and anything that happened to us that day, and then we move on with what we need to get done for the night…(or binging on Netflix, let’s be honest). When we don’t spare any details, our trust for each other increases exponentially, and we each feel responsible to “report back” to each other at the end of the day. Figure out your best time to make this little chat happen, and do it. You’ll get to know your spouse in a whole new way.

16 ways to protect your marriage

14. Keep your cool. I feel like this is a super-important aspect of any relationship, but especially the one you have with your spouse. When they do or tell you something that might normally make you a bit angry (or worried, or any other negative emotion), stay calm. Keep your cool. I don’t know about you, but I really don’t like the idea of my husband keeping anything intentionally from me, even if it’s basically meaningless. So when he spills the beans on something that’s a bit of a hot-button topic, or does something that irks me, I really try not to loose my cool, and then we can just talk openly and calmly about it. When we don’t over-react to each other, we both feel like we don’t need to hide anything, even if it’s trivial. We can approach each other, again and again, and know we will have a rock-solid shoulder to lean on.

15. As far as other people are concerned, your spouse is pretty much perfect. Convince everyone that they are the only one for you. Talk ’em up. Even if you feel like you need to “vent,” speaking negatively about your spouse to others won’t do much to help – I can promise you that. We all have problems, and we all have things to work on in our marriage. Save those conversations for just the two of you, or joined with a professional therapist.

16. Fill them up with love. Do the best you can. Give all of the love, all of the happiness, and all of the intimacy you possibly can to your spouse. Be open. Connect. Communicate. Share details. Keep your cool. Talk ’em up. We really love the book, “His Needs, Her Needs; How to Affair Proof Your Marriage,” which talks about the vital needs that every woman and man has, and how to fill up all of those “buckets” until they overflow.

Marriage is special, and sacred, and wonderful. Keep it exciting, keep it full of love, and keep it just between the two of you!

If you loved this post, be sure to check out Is Your Spouse Not Romantic, or our Top 12 Favorite Marriage Books.

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Recent Comments

10 Responses to “16 Ways to Protect Your Marriage from Infidelity ”

  1. Chrissy Chrissy says:

    Aw, reading this just makes me want to go spoil my hubby rotten! What a great read, and SUCH great tips. Thanks, Cat!!!!! XO

  2. Tara Tara says:

    Such a great article, Cat! If only people would approach marriage from a “defense” point of view… ya know… protect it before the hard times or obstacles! 😉 XOXO

  3. Ferren Ferren says:

    This was SO well written Cat! I agree with every single one of these!

  4. Amanda Amanda says:

    My husband and I chatted about this very thing today and I shared with him all of your points. LOVED it! Great job, Cat!

  5. Candace says:

    What do you do if an affair has already happened??

    • Catharine Catharine says:

      Hi Candace! Well, that’s a really hard question – one that the couple will have to answer for themselves, and only themselves! Ideally, though, recovering from that in my head goes a little something like this: First, seek counseling! I have seen many marriages turn around from that situation and be stronger than ever with the help of a professional. Second, work on re-building your trust. Third, take time for each other, and re-build your ideal marriage together. All of that takes a lot, (a LOT) of time and patience, but the reward is so well worth it!

  6. Karr says:

    How can you spoil an “acts of service” spouse without taking on ALL the family chores? I really believe in equal division of labor and am scared of having a giant pile of exhausting chores on my plate. :/
    I love my spouse and want to spoil him rotten, I’m just not the best at his love language!

    • Catharine Catharine says:

      Oh boy, I know just how you feel! We believe in equal division of chores too, and we have actually had this conversation before as a couple. SO…we decided just pick our few chores that we love when they are done for us. (Meaning, the chores we decided on when we divvied up responsibilities – we each picked a few of those tasks). So, for example, I told him that he ever wants to send me a sweet message, just make the bed, sweep the floor, or pick up groceries for me (plus a few other things that I can’t remember right now…) In addition to his regularly assigned chores, he does those things when he can. But – I never expect them to be done, as I know they are my responsibility. It’s just that – an “act of service”. He also told me what he loves when I do, and I make an effort to do those things as much as I can, too. This way, labour is still equally divvied up, but you still get a nice surprise often! Does that make sense? If I’ve learned one thing about men since being married to one, it’s that they don’t like hints! Ha ha. I flat out tell him what I love for him to do if he ever wants to give me a pick-me-up, and I do the same back with his “list”. It works for us, so maybe it will work for you too!

  7. Stephanie says:

    That was one of the best written articles I have seen on this. Great job! And really – its just sound advice for having an all around healthy marriage.

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