Our Best Tips for Overcoming Resentment
It’s only natural for resentment to creep into a marriage, despite how much you love your spouse. But even though it may be normal, it can negatively affect your marriage if you don’t deal with it head-on.
Sweeping feelings of resentment under the rug shouldn’t become a habit, and if it has, it’s time to fix it.
Table of Contents
What Is Resentment?
Before we dive in, let’s break it down for you.
What is resentment?
According to The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, 5th Edition, the definition of resentment is:
“noun
- Indignation or ill will stemming from a feeling of having been wronged or offended. synonym: anger.
Similar: anger - The act of resenting.
- The state of holding something in the mind as a subject of contemplation, or of being inclined to reflect upon something; a state of consciousness; conviction; feeling; impression.”
To sum it up, resentment is when you hold onto feelings of anger or being wronged, and you start to cultivate ill feelings toward the person who made you feel this way.
Signs of Resentment in Marriage
So, how can you tell that what you’re feeling toward your partner is actually resentment?
Well, clear signs of resentment typically include:
- consistently feeling that things/situations aren’t fair
- consistently analyzing situations to determine who is doing more
- consistently feeling unappreciated/invisible/or that everything you do goes unnoticed
- consistently feeling like your expectations aren’t being met
- consistently experiencing negative thoughts toward your spouse
- consistently feeling angry toward your spouse
- consistently feeling misunderstood or like your spouse doesn’t understand you or how difficult things are
- consistently bringing up unresolved pain and issues from the past
Common Causes of Resentment in Marriage
Are you harboring any of these feelings toward your spouse? If so, you aren’t alone. In fact, we’ve picked up on some common causes of resentment in marriage that could be affecting your marriage as well.
Do any of the following sound familiar?
- resentment over whose family you spend the most time with
- resentment over who had to make career sacrifices
- resentment over who earns more money/ is the major breadwinner
- resentment over who is the more “involved” parent
- resentment over who initiates sex more
- resentment over who cares more about date night
- resentment over who does more of the household chores
- resentment over whose responsibility it is to make all the plans and take care of all the family admin
These are just a few common causes of resentment in marriage. Every marriage is different, so you may experience resentment toward your spouse over something entirely unique.
Either way, we want to emphasize that you aren’t alone if any of these feelings have plagued your marriage. That said, feelings of resentment aren’t beneficial to any relationship, no matter how common they are.
It’s best to discuss these feelings as soon as you start to notice them. Better yet, sit down with your partner and come up with solutions that can help you find closure for how you’re feeling.
Remember that your spouse can’t fix something (or try to) unless they know about it. If you are keeping these feelings hidden, they may be totally unaware of what is going on. Our spouses are not mind readers. So, if you’re feeling hurt and resentful, you need to bring it to their attention and allow them the chance to rectify the situation.
Tips for Overcoming Resentment
First and foremost, find a time to speak with your spouse when you aren’t in the middle of experiencing these strong feelings of resentment. For example:
Let’s say you’re feeling resentful toward your spouse for their failure to initiate sex tonight, even though you’ve dropped hints all day long that you’re in the mood. It’s best to not discuss these feelings right now. Take a breather, gather your thoughts, and discuss this issue with them when you aren’t feeling rejected and hurt.
Once you’re feeling less sensitive about the issue, approach your spouse with love. Remember that you love this person deeply, and you know they love you too. Assume the best and doubt the worst. It is very likely that your spouse has no idea that they have made you feel this way, and it is not their intention to hurt you.
Share your feelings openly and honestly, but avoid using “you” statements. Using too many “you” statements will most likely make your spouse feel defensive and unwilling to listen. For example:
Instead of “You never initiate sex,” try, “I feel rejected when I am the only one initiating sex.”
Using an “I” statement will help your partner understand where you’re coming from without feeling like all of the blame is being placed on them. It will also help to get to the root of the problem much faster.
Come up with solutions together that can help eliminate or reduce these feelings of resentment. Establish a game plan that sets you both up for success. While these feelings may not disappear overnight, sharing them openly with your partner and finding ways of “balancing the scales” or easing the burden can profoundly improve your state of mind and the state of your marriage.
Using the example of initiating sex, here is a game plan you can establish:
Decide on ideas for how your spouse can initiate sex. Perhaps the reason they don’t initiate intimacy is that they don’t know how to do so in a way that will excite you or make their intentions clear.
If your spouse already has some good ideas for initiating sex, come up with a schedule that your spouse can follow that will help them remember to initiate intimacy more frequently. If scheduling sex doesn’t seem like much of a turn-on, you aren’t alone, BUT did you know that scheduling sex is actually really beneficial for your marriage? Yep! So before you shut down that idea, take a look at this post as well as your calendar. 😉
And finally, remember that these feelings of resentment are yours. While it may be a situation out of your control that cultivates resentment, it is still your choice to harbor it. Come up with ways that can help you resolve these feelings of resentment, or better yet, put a stop to the negative feelings before they start.
If you and your spouse have taken the necessary steps to work through these strong feelings together and they still persist, consider that there may be some deep-rooted reasons behind these feelings that are beyond your spouse’s control (and yours, for that matter). In this case, seeking therapy either alone or as a couple may help to offer more closure.
In Conclusion
Resentment is a part of life, and we may feel it directed toward our loved ones more easily than friends or acquaintances. That said, it’s always best to deal with these feelings head-on to ensure happy, healthy relationships that thrive on open communication and unconditional love and understanding.
