September 23, 2011

After The Baby

by

**EDITED TO SAY: We’ve received email after email from women asking for ideas on how to involve their husbands more after a new baby comes. We were also asked if we could come up with ideas on how to keep the romance alive during that *six-week* time period. We initially emailed each reader back, but after the emails continued to pour in asking for ideas, we decided to put together a post that included all of the ideas that other readers had come up with as well as ideas some of the divas have used. Pick & choose what you’d like out of this as we know each person has their own taste & adjusting to life after having a baby will be different for everyone.

 

This post is designed to really help you through that six week recovery period after you’ve had your new little baby. Especially if this is your first baby, the changes will come as a huge shock… especially the changes in your marital relationship. Some husbands graduate into fatherhood with ease but for the majority of new fathers there comes a wave of emotions. Such as: feeling ignored by their wife, the baby is getting all of your attention, you are exhausted all the time and aren’t interested in what’s going on with him, not to mention he thinks he’s going to have to go the full six weeks or more in a ‘dry spell’, and so on. They try to man up and be a support to you, but it can be a very difficult time for them. So The Dating Divas have created a few things that you can do to help make the transition into fatherhood a little easier, a little more special, and a little more spicy!

 

www.akstudiodesign.com

Making Him Feel Special
I know that a lot of times us Mommy’s feel like we do SO much during those first few months after a new baby…and we DO! However, sometimes having a new baby in the house makes it really easy to overlook the needs of our spouse and perhaps all of the help/support they actually give to us during that time. I know that I’m definitely guilty of being a little bit selfish when I’m taking care of a new little baby and have had the mentality of, “Do I have to do EVERYTHING around here?!” What we don’t realize is that our spouse is probably feeling a bit overwhelmed himself, that he is also feeling a bit neglected from (you guessed it) his wife! Mainly because her attention is focused on the needs of a new baby, and he is probably feeling a little bit disconnected. Or in some cases he’s feeling A LOT like this and just doesn’t want to tell you. So we’ve made up a list of ways that you can make him feel like he is STILL important to you and that your marriage is still a priority.

 

 

www.akstudiodesign.com and www.garrettdavisphotography.com

 

 

 

  • Email pictures of the baby throughout the day to ‘Daddy’. Print off cute signs and lay them by the baby saying things like, “I love my Daddy!”, or “Thanks for working hard for me!”, or even “I can’t wait to see you tonight.”
  • Call your husband, ‘Daddy’. Talk to your baby about how special Daddy is. Be sure to let Daddy feel of your love in how you portray him to your baby from day ONE.
  • Dress up cute for your man and be there for him. They understand what you are going through so they will be happy with anything that you do. So dressing up cute (or even a little skimpy – ahem, especially if you are nursing – WINK) would lead to other things without involving intercourse.
  • When Daddy is making an effort to help with the baby especially in the middle of the night, NEVER OVERLOOK IT! Verbally say “thank you,” say it with your eyes and smile, hug him… you will never regret showing as much appreciation as you can. It will help him feel included and loved. Even if it’s just helping with the extra loads of laundry from the baby’s room. There’s just so much that Mom does herself because she’s the only one with the milk, so she’s already up with night feedings, changing diapers in the night, cleaning up spit-up, etc….and dad’s at work most of the day, so these are all on her during the day too.
  • Sing songs like, “I’m so glad when Daddy comes home” to your baby when Daddy can hear you.

 

 

www.akstudiodesign.com and www.garrettdavisphotography.com

 

 

  • Give your hubby time alone with the new baby. It allows him to bond with the baby without feeling pressure from you or the other kids around. It really helps him feel connected and is MUCH needed.
  • When the baby is asleep, really take time out for your man! Ask him how his day went instead of complaining about yours, just TALK to him so he doesn’t feel ignored.
  • Lay out your husband’s pj’s, pull the covers back on his side of the bed, and put his favorite book on his pillow so he can relax before going to bed.
  • Go to bed together at the same time! After having a baby, you just want to sleep any chance you get and often times you’ll be asleep before he comes to bed. Make the effort to be awake for him!
  • If you have a blog, take pictures of Daddy with the baby and do a whole blog post dedicated to him and the baby. Talk about how great he is with the baby, supporting you, helpful around the house, etc. Husbands appreciate when they are recognized for their efforts.
  • Allow your husband to help out in any way that he wants, even if it isn’t how you would do it. Talk to him about his day, and make memories together.
  • Talking to your hubby about ways he can help you out around the house or with the other kids is a great way to be on the same page. Then make sure he gets a reward for the help… it could be anything from when the six week recovery is over to some cologne he has wanted.
  • Pick a movie night, or make sure you still go out on date night. Get a babysitter (even if it’s just a few hours) it will mean a lot to him.
Cute Little Things
In addition to ways we can make him feel special, here are a few ideas on how to go above and beyond to make him not only feel like a super hero father, but also one fantastic hubby. These little ideas will hopefully help lessen the sting of having your attention elsewhere and help to include him in this special process.

 

 

www.akstudiodesign.com and www.garrettdavisphotography.com

 

 

  • When you see things with the name ‘Dad’ in them or his favorite things, grab them and use them as little gifts for Daddy to find (i.e. Dad’s Root Beer, POP Rocks, Sugar Daddy, etc.)
  • Have a gift for him after the baby is born. Such as giving him a willow tree statue (the one depicting a father holding his baby) and write him a note telling him what an amazing father he is and how much you appreciate him.
  • Put together a fun “New Dad” basket and have it ready ahead of time so you can present it to him when you get home from the hospital. Some fun items could include Dad’s Root Beer, Pop Rocks (check out Kiirsten’s fun Intimate Moments post for this!), a Rookie New Dad t-Shirt, beef jerky, Sugar Daddy candy, some new slippers, and The Idiot’s Guide to Being a New Dad book.
  • Make up this adorable Baby Daddy Basket created by The Crafting Chicks full of his favorite treats and notes from you to make him feel loved and appreciated!
  • Put together a Daddy’s Diapering Kit! haha! It will be something you can laugh about together, but he will actually get some use out of it! If you want to get a real kick out of a fun kit, put together a Parent Survival Kit for your man!
Disclaimer: For those of you that blush when talking about marital intimacy…go ahead and skip this part. ;) We give you a little more detail than we normally do so PLEASE skip over this if this is not an area you need help in or if you are easily offended. For those of you looking for some great ideas on how to make that six week recovery period special, read on…
Intimacy
Okay, let’s be honest here. The six weeks of recovery after your baby is born can be a little bit harsh on any relationship. Intimacy is such an important, intricate part of marriage and needs to be nourished on a regular basis. So we have come up with a few ways to help make that time a little bit easier without skipping out on it all together.

 

 

www.akstudiodesign.com and www.garrettdavisphotography.com

 

 

  • Use your mouth and be creative with it! He’ll definitely be happy and your lady region can stay on vacation!
  • Your breasts are huge when nursing, so entertain him there. Your milk can be quite the curiosity of husbands which will turn into fun for both of you.
  • Just touching him [ahem, in that sensitive area] while in bed can be a good alternative for a man if you’re not planning on having intercourse. It’s the attention and the attraction that counts, and if it turns into a little more, then, well… bonus for him.
  • Have foreplay without the intercourse. It will turn your hubby on AND you…so it’s a great bonus (especially since you aren’t feeling the cutest after having a baby).
  • Back rubs are great after a new baby – but do them naked! Then you can finish off with a little play action on him – he still gets to see you naked, YOU get a MUCH earned massage, and he gets a little ‘relief’ at the end of it (if you know what I mean). You can even try out a Sensual Touch Massage to spice things up.
  • Every man loves a good flash… so use those nursing boobs and get to work! lol
  • Once all of the kiddos are in bed, get dressed in something that is a little more risque and try dusting the T.V. while he’s trying to watch it…or mop the floor on your hands and knees while he’s eating a late night snack.
  • Play a few Bedroom Games that are all about foreplay and nothing more! Or have some Flirty Fun With Candy to get things spiced up!
  • Make your first time after the six weeks are up special! In some ways it’s just like the first time…so create a very romantic ambiance by Setting The Mood to make the occasion extra special.

 

 

www.akstudiodesign.com and www.garrettdavisphotography.com

 

 

We hope that you have found some fabulous ideas this past week on how to make your marriage a priority during and after pregnancy! Let us know what you think and what you would LOVE to see us cover next time!

Dress up cute for your man and be there for him. They understand what you are going through so they will be happy with anything that you do. So dressing up cute (or even a little skimpy – ahem, especially if you are nursing – WINK) would lead to other things without involving sex.
When Daddy is making an effort to help with the baby especially in the middle of the night, NEVER OVERLOOK IT! Verbally say thank you, say it with your eyes and smile, hug him… you will never regret showing as much appreciation as you can. It will help him feel included and loved. Even if it’s just helping with the extra loads of laundry from the baby’s room. There’s just so much that Mom does herself because she’s the only one with the milk, so she’s already up with night feedings, changing diapers in the night, cleaning up spit-up, etc….and dad’s at work most of the day, so these are all on her during the day too.
Sing songs like “I’m so glad when Daddy comes home” to your baby when Daddy can hear you.
Give your hubby time alone with the new baby. It allows him to bond with the baby, without feeling pressure from you or the other kids around. It really helps him feel connected and is MUCH needed.
When the baby is asleep, really take time out for your man! Ask him how his day went instead of complaining about yours, just TALK to him so he doesn’t feel ignored.
Lay out your husband’s pj’s, pull the covers back on his side of the bed, and put his favorite book on his pillow so he can relax before going to bed
DeleteGo to bed together at the same time! After having a baby, you just want to sleep any chance you get and often times you’ll be asleep before he comes to bed. Make the effort to be awake for him!
If you have a blog, take pictures of Daddy with the baby and do a whole blog post dedicated to him and the baby. Talk about how great he is with the baby, supporting you, helpful around the house, etc. Husbands appreciates when they are recognized for their efforts.
Email pictures of the baby throughout the day to ‘Daddy’. Print off cute signs and lay them by the baby saying things like, “I love my Daddy!”, or “Thanks for working hard for me!”, or even “I can’t wait to see you tonight.”
Delete
Allow your husband to help out in any way that he wants, even if it isn’t how you would do it. Talk to him about his day, and make memories together.
Talk to your hubby about ways he can help you out around the house or with the other kids is a great way to be on the same page. Then make sure he gets a reward for the help… it could be anything from when the six week recovery is over to some cologne he has wanted.
Pick a movie night, or make sure you still go out on date night. Get a babysitter (even if it’s just a few hours) it will mean a lot to him.

You Might Also Like These Related Articles

Recent Comments

34 Responses to “After The Baby”

  1. Tara Tara says:

    Great job on this post, Kari!! You rocked it! :) Love your sassy personality comin’ thru! Muah!

  2. Wendy wendy says:

    Kari… you ROCK!

  3. Corie Corie says:

    This is a great post!

  4. Fawn Weaver says:

    I just love you gals! I don’t even know you and I absolutely adore each of you. Thank you so much for doing this and Kari, this article is awesome. Rock star!

  5. Courtney says:

    I loved this post! Especially the idea about the Baby Daddy Basket. I am expecting our third in February and have to admit, we’ve never made it six weeks. *blush*
    Guess that’s why we’re on our third :)

    • Kari Kari says:

      Congrats on baby no. 3, Courtney! How funny, you and I are due right about the same time…and this is my third too! haha! Glad to know we’re not the only ones who can’t make the whole six weeks! lol!

  6. judy says:

    How right you are!! Having that baby really changes stuff and men don’t quite realise what is going on. Its perfectly normal that the mother must put her full focus on her baby and men should have the sensitivity to work with this. Parenthood is a new stage in life and it is more serious than fun for the early years. Whilst I do agree with your suggestions for intimacy opportunities I feel that ‘spicing it up’ shouldnt be a big concern for a new mother, she has quite enough to do.

    • Kari Kari says:

      Thanks so much for your insight Judy! I do agree, a new mom has a lot on her plate. I guess this post was a more personal reflection of my own experiences and it is certainly different for every new mom.

  7. Melanie says:

    love these ideas! That six week period is always rough on my hubby

    • Kari Kari says:

      Awe, thanks Melanie! haha, it is always rough on my hubby too! We are about to have baby no. 3 in a month…so I guess I’ll be getting to experience those rough six weeks sooner than later.

  8. April says:

    I just found your site through Pinterest, and love it! This post is great. I’ll definitely use it in the future after the next baby! We have 4 kids now, and the one idea that’s worked wonderfully for post-partum intimacy for us has been when I created a paper chain. Each link had a new activity written on it. Some more intimate than others, but all fun! :) Every day we pull off one link, and do the activity. It helped so much!!

    • Kari Kari says:

      April, what a fantastic idea! I love the paper chain!! What a great way to count down those 6 weeks that seem to drag on forever! (lol!) Thanks so much for sharing!

  9. Amy says:

    I love this site! I had my first child in January. It was so hard those first weeks! Especially since I bled for a month. With that and with leaking boobs, I never wanted to be fully naked in bed! Even though we don’t particularly like showering together normally, it was great that we could be as intimate as possible when we couldn’t have actual intercourse.
    At the beginning of our marriage (and we’ve only been married 18 months), we would do it all the time… Every day, often several times a day! Now, with a 4 month old, and my husband working and in school full time, it’s twice a week! Three times if we’re lucky… However, the quality is so much better now, we don’t need it quite as much. What can I say, practice makes perfect (and we’ve had lots of practice! :)

    • Kari Kari says:

      LOL! Amy, I love your candor! I can honestly relate. My baby is 5 months old and I’m still struggling with the being naked part! But it’s true… the longer you are married and the more kids you have, the less intimacy happens. But the practicing part sure is fun!! hahaha!

  10. Alyssa says:

    I just finished my six weeks, but have found that i am still a little too sore for us to celebrate just yet :( But I am glad I found this post–I will be using some of the ideas still!

    • Kari Kari says:

      Alyssa, so sorry that you are still sore! Is this your first? Never mind that, you’ll be in tip-top shape in no time and can start to enjoy your man again! So glad that you found this post too!

  11. Jenn says:

    I loved reading this post! It is an area that is often overlooked yet so important. We are working on number two so this was a great reminder for me! Thanks for your honesty, transparency, and fun way of writing!

    • Kari Kari says:

      Awe, thanks so much Jenn for your comment! That just totally made my day! I’m so glad that you feel it’s important too and hope you’re having fun with #2 (wink) :)

  12. Brittney says:

    Wow, you guys are all too generous to your hubbies. Mines waited many more than 6 weeks during this pregnancy. I feel awful, but most of the pregnancy (especially 3rd trimester) I really didn’t even want anything to do with him. It was terrible. Now that the baby’s out, I’m back to my old self, and I like him again. I don’t worry about his bad breath, hes one happy camper. But I know he can’t wait for those 6 weeks to be up. We have a countdown. 4 weeks and 2 more days! Hahaha
    Love this post, and were going to try quite a few things that I’ve read on here tonight! Thanks ladies!!

    • Kari Kari says:

      Awe, sweet Brittney! Your hubby, no doubt, is so understanding and sensitive to what you are going through. Love that you have the countdown going!! Having babies is a tough business, isn’t it? Hang in there! Hope you get feeling better soon!!

  13. Brandi says:

    Loved this list!! We will be first time parents and I am going to use this list a lot!!! Thank you so much!! I know my wonderful hubby will really appreciate this!!

  14. Brenna says:

    This is definitely true! Little man is almost 3 months old, and I think keeping my hubby involved in positive ways helped us to begin to develop a wonderful post-baby relationship. The intimacy part of this is so key. Guys really need this (and so do we!!). :o) Even if it’s just holding each other or snuggling in bed. My hubby really likes when we just kiss for a while in bed before we go to sleep (on those nights where we’re just both so exhausted). Don’t let the intimacy die!! :o)

  15. Katherine S. says:

    I found this post through Pinterest and I’m glad I did! We’re still newlyweds and planning to start trying to have a family soon (our first anniversary is 11/19). I’m really nervous about being pregnant and the aftermath, so I’m looking for all sorts of ideas on how to keep intimacy and our marriage the main priority. I’ll definitely be using some of these ideas…thanks!

  16. Jill says:

    I LOVE that you ladies listen to your readers & try to help out with whatever they need. What a great list! I am a mom of four.. working on #5 and I agree that the six weeks after having a baby can be challenging. I also agree that we, as moms, tend to forget that the husbands are a part of this process. Our brains are so fried at that point that having a list/ideas to refer to is such a great resource. Thank you!

  17. Aubri says:

    I both loved this article, and was a bit frustrated by it. I absolutely loved how it started out! Our sweet husbands *do* need to feel involved, and those first six weeks (heck, the first six MONTHS) can be a bit rough. I love, love, LOVE the emphasis on thanking our sweet husbands for helping in the middle of the night. It’s a huge thrill for my sweetheart when I express my gratitude for the little things, as it is to ME when he does the same… But I know for a FACT that my husband doesn’t feel ANY less loved for the wait for sex. Because there is SO much more to intimacy than sex. Holding hands, cuddling, talking about your day, being TOGETHER… that is intimacy. For many Christians, we abstain from sex before marriage… My husband and I dated for over a year. I’m pretty sure we can go 6-8 weeks without sex. ;-)

    Mommies and mommies-to-be who read this list, I assume it’s not the author’s intent to give you a to-do list for the perfect first six weeks. Pick and choose what works best for you and your spouse… but don’t feel like you have to rush back into the sexy-stuff if you’re not ready. It is YOUR body and YOU just went through a beautiful, amazing, physically exhausting adventure. He may have married you, but that doesn’t give him the right to make you feel you “owe” him any kind of sexual anything. He SHOULD understand your feelings.

    • Tara Tara says:

      We agree with you, Aubri – I think we mentioned at the beginning that this post was in response to readers asking for suggestions after the baby comes. I think it’s a given that anyone who reads an article should walk away with ideas that fit them… and are personalized for them. Everything listed above are suggestions. Our readers can pick and choose what works for them. :)

  18. Clair says:

    Those are all really nice ideas but my 2nd son just turned 6 weeks old this week and I have a 20 month old son as well. The last 6 weeks have been all about survival. Clingy baby all day and night and clingy toddler all day means that at the end of the day I am all “touched out”.

    I do very much agree about saying thank you when Daddy does help out but I also wanted to add that even if Daddy doesn’t do it exactly like you think it should be done say thank you any way and don’t correct him. Unless of course what he is doing is dangerous.

    Another good idea is make him his favorite meal. You have to cook dinner anyway but by cooking him “his” meal you are showing him you are still thinking of him too.

  19. Lauren says:

    I am a couple weeks out from delivering baby #2 and I love all of these ideas. With our first son I intentionally picked a going home outfit that said “I Love Daddy” on it and did everything I could to include him. This time the going home outfit is a little more subtle but still very much a tribute to my husband. As for the 6 weeks thing, we found many ways to be, ahem, creative. We were so enamored with one another after our son’s arrival that it was a strain on both of us but I did all that I could to make sure he was taken care of.

  20. Gaila says:

    I love many of your ideas, especially how you broached the challenging topic of intimacy. One thing I would add is that it’s great to call him “Daddy” in context of the baby, but try to avoid it in other conversation with him. It’s important to have subtle ways to remind him (and You!) that you’re both still a spouse and an individual, not just a Mom and a Dad. While those roles can seem all-encompassing in the first few weeks, it’s important to help him maintain his identity as a husband, and it will help him continue to appreciate you as a wife. This helps even more with the intimacy factor, too. Thanks again for the great post!

    • Kari Kari says:

      Gaila – I agree! Your suggestion couldn’t be more true! Even now (after I’ve had 3 babies), it’s been super important for me to remember who I am as an individual and as a wife to my husband, not just ‘Mommy”. So I feel that it’s equally important for my husband to feel that way about himself. It makes us better parents, better spouses, and stronger people in general. Thank you for sharing that point with everyone!! It’s wonderful!

  21. THese are some great ideas. One thing that I did to kinda ease my husband into fatherhood (he was not a baby person and I think he had held a baby less than 5 times before Little Man was born) was to ask him to help hold the baby for a short time. Like hey can you hold him while I wash my hands, go to the bathroom, etc. It’s not like I couldn”t have put Little Man down, obviously I did during the day when he was at work) but it gave him a short time period to hold the baby and get used to it. After a couple weeks he was more comfortable with holding Little Man and would initiate it on his own. I think he’ll be more comfortable this time (currently expecting #2) so I am excited to see how he is :)
    Also I have a couple ideas for intimacy that really helped us. Any sqeemish readers can stop here :)
    The shower is a great help in those first 6 weeks. We have always tried to shower together so we continued that post baby and when he really needed a release I would dance for him in the shower. It worked great for us and he didn’t feel neglected.
    Another suggestion that i have is from this pregnancy. I was diagnosed with placenta previa early on (it has since moved thank God!) and we had to go a full 10 weeks without any action down there for me (and at the time we didn’t know if it would continue the whole pregnancy) and we didn’t have the distraction of settling in with a new baby (which I think helps with the whole 6 week thing because you are both distracted and trying to figure out the new normal) so we had to get creative. It was also hard because I really wanted some too, but i couldn’t have anything so I felt like I was giving out a lot without getting much in return, but that is another story, and I think that it did help him to know that I wanted some too, that I wasn’t happy about withholding either. Anyways what we did was (sorry if this is TMI) I would help him while he touched himself by making noises, showing him myself, and moving sexily.
    The last suggestion is actually for after the 6 weeks is up. Apparently some people get their drive back quickly, but that wasn’t the case for me. We were still intimate, but I wasn’t really enjoying it that much which of course cuts down on his enjoyment too. I got this suggestion from one of my friends and let me tell you it helped a lot! I prayed and asked God to give me a desire for your husband. God cares about every aspect of our lives including this one and he is more than willing to help. I was amazed how well this worked!
    Just a few suggestions that helped me, hope they help others too! (I would post them on my blog but I have family members that read it, and that could get embarrassing :)

    • Kari Kari says:

      Oh my goodness, these are FABULOUS ideas! I love that you shared these with all of us — I know that every post-pregnancy is different, every relationship is different, and every mother faces different challenges with her body during the recovery process. I loved how your were able to help your husband ease into fatherhood. I know that some men just pick it up so easily, while for others there is a very real time period of adjustment. And, lol, your story wasn’t TMI for me, I love that you were able to find a balance and knew that your marriage needed attention just as much as your little one does. Bravo!


Leave A Comment

OOoooohhh!! We LOVE comments! Thanks for leavin' us some "love"! P.S. If you want a pic to show up next to your comments, go get a gravatar!

Current ye@r *

Hide me
Show me
Build an optin email list in WordPress [Free Software]
0.595