How to Set Healthy Boundaries in Your Marriage
Boundaries. If this word makes you a little anxious, you aren’t alone. Setting boundaries is no easy task, and it’s usually associated with negative feelings or feelings of exclusion and discomfort.
Contrary to popular belief, setting boundaries in relationships shouldn’t be perceived as a negative concept. Join us as we dive into boundary-setting and how it can improve your marriage.
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Table of Contents
What Are Boundaries?
As mentioned above, the word “boundaries” can make people feel uncomfortable. Unfortunately, this is because a lot of people are negatively impacted by boundaries and the people setting them.
In the article What Are Boundaries and Why Do I Need Them?, Dr. Sharon Martin says, “A boundary is an imaginary line that separates me from you. It separates your physical space, your feelings, needs, and responsibilities from others. Your boundaries also tell other people how they can treat you—what’s acceptable and what isn’t. Without boundaries, people may take advantage of you because you haven’t set limits about how you expect to be treated.”
Here is a personal experience about setting boundaries from one of our very own Divas (myself!), Macey:
“It took me years to finally understand that boundaries are not a bad thing. In fact, a dear friend of mine once gave the following advice:
‘If someone sets and communicates their boundaries with you, that is not them trying to push you away; it’s their attempt at keeping you in their life.’
She challenged me to use this perspective as I was setting my own boundaries with people I love.
This perspective changed my life! With this advice in the back of my mind, I started to view boundaries as a very positive thing, and I felt more confident setting and keeping boundaries with the people around me.
I spent a lot of time reminding myself, ‘I am setting this boundary to improve my current relationship, not destroy it. Setting a boundary is an act of love and respect for both parties.'”
Examples of Boundaries for Your Marriage
Before we move on, it is important to note that setting boundaries should not be a form of manipulation. Setting an unrealistic expectation (for the sake of calling it “a boundary”), especially if its purpose is to cause hurt or confusion, is not okay.
There are several areas in your marriage that will benefit from setting boundaries. These include, but are not limited to:
- Family and in-laws
- Money
- Sex and intimacy
- Personal goals
- Work
- Outside relationships (friends, coworkers, etc.)
The most important thing about boundaries is respecting them. This can be the hardest part about a boundary, especially if it’s something you don’t necessarily agree with or see the benefit in. However, showing respect for your partner’s boundaries will not only improve your relationship with them, but it will increase the trust your partner has in you.
Healthy boundaries will help your marriage thrive, especially if love and mutual respect are there.
We are going to use sex and intimacy as an example.
Healthy sexual boundaries in your marriage can include respecting your partner’s “no,” how and when you touch each other’s bodies, or ensuring both emotional comfort and physical pleasure for both parties during sex.
Let’s say your partner expresses a desire to use toys in the bedroom, but this is something you aren’t comfortable with. Your boundary would be “no toys in the bedroom.”
It is absolutely fine to lovingly set this boundary with your partner, but it’s even better to explain your reasoning. This may help your partner better understand you, allowing them to respect your reasoning, as well as push the two of you towards a compromise that can benefit both of you.
Boundaries don’t have to be set in stone, either. If you set a specific boundary and then you find yourself shifting your mindset over the course of time, that’s okay! You can change the boundary as needed or eliminate it altogether. Communication is key when it comes to boundary-setting, especially if you decide to make changes to one you’ve set in the past.
After all, the basic point of a boundary is so both people feel loved and respected, which guarantees that the relationship will continue to grow.
In the example of using toys in the bedroom, it would be important to let your partner know that you’ve changed your mind and you wish to discuss it further. That conversation could look something like, “Hey, thank you for respecting my boundary about bedroom toys. I want you to know that I’m now open to using toys in the bedroom, but I want to start out slowly. Are you willing to give this a try?”
Communication Is Key for Setting Boundaries in Relationships
As with most situations, communication is key. Neither of you can love and respect each other fully without having honest, open, and deep communication.
This statement is even more true when it comes to setting boundaries with your partner. If you set a personal boundary without communicating your needs first, it may leave your partner feeling confused or hurt. The same goes for any boundaries that you’d like to set together as a couple.
While we don’t necessarily believe that all boundaries have to be explained to all parties involved (for example, a boundary set for toxic people outside of the marriage), it is important for both partners to have a complete understanding of the specific boundary so they can do everything they can to uphold and respect it.
It’s also important to note that there may be a time when one partner feels the need for a boundary, but the other partner doesn’t feel the same way. Our best advice in this situation is to communicate, communicate, COMMUNICATE.
Here is a personal example from one of our readers and a friend of one of our Divas:
“My husband and I had different views about sharing our finances with people we love. My husband didn’t feel comfortable sharing any information about our finances with anyone in our lives, even our parents, but I am an open book.
My sweet husband had expressed concerns over how much our family members knew about our finances due to experiences from his childhood where too many people were involved in each other’s business. However, he didn’t go into the exact details, so I wasn’t completely convinced that this boundary needed to be set. After all, we were different from all those people, right?
For years, I didn’t respect this boundary, and I hate to admit that it caused a lot of strife between the two of us, as well as the people whom I shared this information with. Soon, we were receiving judgment from people who didn’t fully understand our situation, and my husband was left feeling like he had made poor choices when it came to financially supporting our little family.
It finally came to a point where I knew I had made a mistake in being so open, and I apologized to my husband for not respecting his boundary years ago when he had set it for himself. We are now on the same page, and I can honestly say that our marriage is better because of it.”
Moral of the story: communicate all your thoughts, feelings, and intentions behind a boundary you want to set.
In Conclusion
Healthy marriages have a few things in common, and one of them is having healthy boundaries. If you’re looking to improve your relationship, start with communicating your desire to set boundaries.
We wish you luck on your boundary-setting journey!
For more resources, check out these highly-rated books on Amazon:
- Boundaries in Marriage: Understanding the Choices That Make or Break Loving Relationships by Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend
- Where to Draw the Line: How to Set Healthy Boundaries Every Day by Anne Katherine, M.A.
- Healthy Boundaries by Chase Hill
