Clues, Cravings, and Connection: What Husbands Really Love About Sex

Let’s Talk About Sex, Babe: 5 Secrets Our Husbands Wish We Knew

I used to think sex was just one part of marriage. Something important, sure—but not everything. But the deeper I got into marriage, the more I realized: sex is glue. It’s where we connect, communicate without words, and say “I choose you” all over again.

And honestly? I’ve learned a few things the hard way—about him, about me, and about the space in between. And the more I’ve paid attention to what my husband responds to, the more I’ve realized: I’m probably not alone. Most men likely feel this way too—quietly craving connection, confidence, and the kind of intimacy that makes them feel wanted and seen.

What Started This Journey?

Years ago, we published a post titled 10 Things Wives Wished Their Husbands Knew—and the reaction was incredible. But here’s what surprised us: men started reaching out. They had thoughts, too. Things they wished their wives understood about love, connection… and yes, sex.

So we got curious. We sent out a quick two-question survey in our newsletter, and let’s just say… the responses poured in. What they shared was honest, eye-opening, and—honestly—beautiful.

Initially, this post was titled, “10 Things Husbands Wish Their Wives Knew About Sex,” thinking that men would surely have enough to say to give us that wide of a variety to draw from. When the results started pouring in, though, I realized that all of the responses were fairly consistent. In fact, I can honestly say that I had basically five answers that repeated themselves over and over again. So these words are gold, people.

I am seriously blown away by the responses that we received and want to share them all with you!  Now, I can’t share everything, everyone said – so I sorted through all the answers and compiled the five things that husbands really want during sex. Not only did I make this list though, I talked about these results with my own husband and we had a really eye-opening conversation.

So, using the survey responses along with the powerful conversation with my husband, here it is: the real talk I wish I’d heard sooner.

5 Things That Husbands Really Want During Sex

For me personally, as one of the collectors and compilers of the results, it’s been an incredibly moving experience in so many ways. Yes, of course – here at the Divas we preach communicating effectively with your spouse. And yes – you could find out all of these things, I’m sure if you sat down and had a heart-to-heart with your husband. But let me tell you something I’ve learned while reading these results over, and over, and over again: he loves you.

Seriously. More than anything, he doesn’t want you to lose confidence. He doesn’t want you to feel guilty. He doesn’t want to make you self-conscious of how often you have sex. He just wants you to be happy with who you are and all that you do. So when we said to the men – “Hey. Take this survey. It’s anonymous. Say whatever you want about sex,” they really let loose. They opened up. They let stuff off of their chest. Just by looking at the results, I feel pretty confident saying that your husband, more than anything, just loves having sex with you.

And the reasons for that just might surprise you.

The #1 top survey result from husbands: confidence is sexy

So I asked my husband and guess what? Nothing lights my husband up more than when I own the moment. I don’t have to be perfect. When I flirt a little, wear something that makes me feel good, or simply meet his eyes with intention—it sends a powerful message: I want you.

And that? That’s what he craves most. In fact ladies, that’s what they all crave the most.

Survey result #2: when she enjoys it, everything shifts

It’s not about performance. It’s about presence.

When I let myself enjoy our time together, everything changes. I’ve learned to express what I like, laugh a little more, and let go of expectations. It becomes fun, playful, and real.

Our husband don’t want us to fake anything—they just want us there, fully.

Survey result #3: I wish she didn’t worry so much about how she looks

There have been so many times I’ve held back because of insecurities—stretch marks, extra pounds, bad lighting. But every time I push through that and let myself be seen? My husband responds with nothing but love.

He’s not focused on my imperfections. He’s focused on me.

And based on this survey result, your husband feels the same way about you.

Survey result #4: anticipation is golden

Sex doesn’t start in the bedroom—it starts in the morning. Or the kitchen. Or a quick kiss at the door.

A flirty text, a playful glance, or whispering something suggestive can build anticipation that makes later so much more exciting. When I start the spark earlier, it always pays off.

Give this a try, girlfriends!

Last, but not least, survey result #5: love is louder than performance

Here’s what I’ve realized: my husband doesn’t need a performance. He needs connection.

When I lean into love instead of pressure—when I show up open, curious, and willing—that’s where the magic lives. He doesn’t want a show. He wants me.

I can’t emphasize this enough: your husband wants your love more than he wants perfection in the bedroom.

A Peek Into His Brain: Why This Matters More Than I Knew

After reading through the survey results I had a desperate need to understand my own husband even more. So, I got to work!

Did you know that for many husbands, sex isn’t just physical—it’s deeply emotional?

The way he responds to intimacy—the way his whole energy shifts when I show desire or take the lead—has been eye-opening. This isn’t just about passion. It’s about his emotional world. His sense of value. His connection to me.

Here’s what I’ve learned (and confirmed with some fascinating research):

• Touch = love (for many men)
• Initiation = desire
• Your enjoyment = his confidence boost
• Connection = safety

It’s not just about “getting lucky.” For him, it’s about feeling chosen, respected, and loved.

What my husband actually said (cue the heart melt):

“I don’t need fireworks. I just need to know you want me. That’s what makes it amazing.”

That one stuck with me. Because that’s it, right? He just wants to be wanted. Desired. Loved in the way he feels love. And I have the power to give that—without being anyone but myself.

What Kills the Mood (and What Works Better)

Let’s be real—some habits just don’t help. Thanks to the survey results I started paying closer attention to what brought us closer (and what didn’t). Soon enough I realized there were a few patterns. These mood killers aren’t always obvious—but they quietly chip away at intimacy.

The good news? Once I noticed them, I could start shifting them. And that’s when the magic really started to happen.

Mood Killer 😬	Mood Saver 😍
“I’m tired” (but really I feel distant)	A 10-second kiss + flirty moment during the day
Overthinking my body	Turning off the lights + turning on the music
Feeling pressure to perform	Choosing playfulness and grace instead
Expecting him to read my mind	Using a whisper, a wink, or a bold ask 😉

Final Thoughts + One Book rec

I really hope this post has sparked something inside you to make the most of your love life. Honestly? Reading through all those survey responses opened my eyes. It helped me realize that sex means so much more to my husband than I had ever understood. It’s not just about the act—it’s about how it makes him feel emotionally, mentally, and spiritually connected to me.

It’s kind of mind-blowing when you step back and see it all. My perspective has shifted completely, and I hope yours has, too.

And if you want to keep diving deeper into the male mind, I highly recommend For Women Only: What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men by Shaunti Feldhahn. She basically did what we just did—except she surveyed thousands of men! It’s packed with insight, and I couldn’t put it down.

Now For the Fun Part: How to Apply the Survey Results Yourself

Reading through the survey responses made me realize something huge: so many of us are trying to love our husbands well, but we sometimes miss the mark—not because we don’t care, but because we don’t always understand how deeply they experience intimacy.

The good news? You don’t need a full-blown makeover to improve your connection. Small shifts—like showing confidence, initiating more often, or simply being present—can go a long way.

Want to start small, but still make a powerful impact? That’s where this next idea comes in.

Mini Marriage Dare: The “Let Him Catch You” Challenge

Since “confidence is sexy” was the number one answer, this one’s all about reclaiming your confidence and letting your husband feel that magnetic pull of being wanted. No talking. No pressure. Just a little spark—and a lot of tease.

Tonight, try this. Just once:

1. Slip into something that makes you feel beautiful (cozy robe, cute PJs, lingerie—you choose).
2. Walk past him slowly without saying a word.
3. Look back. Smile. Maybe wink. 😏
4. Let him come to you.

It’s low effort, high impact—and honestly, kind of fun. TRY IT TONIGHT—I dare you. 💕

Your Bedroom Confidence Kit: Bonus Dares + Boldness

Still here? You’re my kind of girl. Let’s go even deeper. I’ve put together a few quick confidence-boosters, connection tips, and flirty dares to keep that spark blazing hot—because you’re not just surviving in the bedroom… you’re about to thrive there. Your husband has no clue what’s comin’!

1. Flirty Texts to Send Tonight

• “Hey… just wanted you to know I can’t stop thinking about earlier 😏”
• “Any chance I can borrow your body later? Promise I’ll return it better than I found it.”
• “I’ve got a surprise for you tonight. (Hint: It’s not dinner.)”

2. One-Liners That Build Bedroom Confidence

• “I don’t have to be perfect—I just have to be present.”
• “He wants me just as I am, right now.”
• “Confidence starts with me choosing to show up.”

3. Quick Connection Dares for the Week

Dare 💋	How to Do It
Midday Flirty Photo	Snap a cute (PG or PG-13) mirror pic + send it with a wink emoji 😉
Whisper Game	Walk up behind him and whisper something you’d never say out loud.
3-Minute Makeout	No goal, no next step—just kiss like you’re in high school again.
Bedroom Switch-Up	Let him choose the setting, the lighting, or the music for one night.

4. Try This: “Bedroom Bravery” Reflection

Grab a journal (or Notes app!) and write down:

• One thing I loved about our last intimate moment:
• One thing I want to try next time:
• One compliment my husband gave me that I need to believe:

Then reread it before your next date night. Bonus points if you share it with him. 💞

Put this challenge to the test, ladies! To help, I created 10 texts that range from flirty to spicy that you can choose from and send to your hubby TONIGHT. Find them at the bottom of this post!

See For Yourself…

These survey results are incredible, and before the post ends it’s important to me to share them with you. Take a look 🩷

Confidence is sexy:

• The sexiest thing is confidence. You are my wife. I will love you and I find you sexy no matter what, so be confident in yourself. Nothing turns me on more.
• I want her to be more adventurous in the bedroom, to leave her inhibitions at the door.
• Be uninhibited. Don’t be embarrassed. Explore more. Relax!
• Just be confident, and make an effort to be enticing.
• Her confidence and desire for me is a huge turn on!
• To me, the set up is the most important. Flirting on the phone, high heels, and the attitude is what makes it good. Anticipation is everything! I love seeing her confidence and desire for me.

It’s so much better when you enjoy it.

• Sex is better for me when I know she is enjoying it. It makes it so much better when both of us can have some fun!
• Sex is way more fun when we both enjoy it. I do not want to just be serviced because she thinks it’s a duty.
• Be open to try new things. I like it when she can explain what she likes, and what feels good for her.
• I want her to be just as into sex as I am. If it is all about “meeting my needs” then what’s the point?
• It’s okay to relinquish control and just enjoy being pleasured.
• Let yourself enjoy it.
• I’d love it if she could be a little more sexually adventurous, and show how much she is enjoying it.

Stop obsessing about the way you look.

• I wish my wife knew that her weight, her outfit, her hair, her nails are so irrelevant to me when we are being intimate. I am so in love with her. All I want is for her to want to be there with me.
• I wish my wife KNEW that she is so much sexier and beautiful to me than she gives herself credit for. Even though I tell her, she still criticizes herself.
• God didn’t put conditions on [the beauty of your body] like “at time of birth” or “before you had kids” — I see you as beautiful and sexy, so just stop trying to convince me otherwise. I don’t care about a bit of flabby-ness or some stretch marks; heck I wouldn’t even notice half of what you see if you didn’t insist on pointing it out to me.
• I don’t care that she has gained some weight over the years. I still find her sexy and beautiful and love to be with her.
• I can tell by her comments that she is concerned with how the rest of the world views her appearance. Maybe not a lot, but some. She is soooooo beautiful and attractive to me, though. Her sexiness is much more than her “curves and all her edges, all her perfect imperfections.” I love ALL of her. I wish my words alone were enough to convince her of her beauty and attractiveness.
• I wish that she was more comfortable in her skin and unafraid to be sexier with me. I appreciate that she doesn’t dress in overtly sexual clothing when we go out and that she respects herself, but I just wish she would be unafraid to show a little skin (not just lingerie, but outerwear as well) when it is just the two of us.

It’s so much more than just physical.

• I wish she knew that sex improves intimacy and my connection to her. It helps me with having more positive thoughts about her each day.
• Sex isn’t just sex to fill a biological need. I wish my wife knew how much I feel so much closer to her when we have sex. Sex provides a pillar of stability in our marriage that helps me feel like we are still in love. Sex is a major part of how I express my love for her.
• Sex is my way to connect. She likes to talk. I like to touch.
• I wish she knew how much it makes me feel connected to her.
• I wish she understood that it is not just something to do to fill time. It has meaning, it has substance. It means and shows the level of our love life together. Being an afterthought to other things she could be doing implies our marriage is not worth much.
• I wish she knew how special it is to me that she is sharing her body with me in that way. It’s such a special thing for her and me.
• It’s more than just physical gratification. It makes me feel closer to my wife. It’s a part of stress relief; it’s not a chore.
• Sex is a way for us to connect. When I want to have sex, it isn’t a selfish desire, but a desire to please you and connect with you. Sex is a good thing for a healthy relationship.
• It is a wonderful way to reconnect and recommit to each other.

Be spontaneous and initiate.

• I wish she would be more spontaneous, rather than just “scheduling it in.”
• Keep it spontaneous and simple!
• The sex in our relationship is good, but it’s somewhat monotonous. Bring in some changes. Have fun with it.
• When my wife comes on to me, it makes me feel as though she is happy and fully in love with what she has.
• I wish my wife would initiate sex more. It makes me feel like she really wants to be with me.
• It is easier for me to make it more enjoyable for her if I can tell she’s excited or hopeful about having a good time.
• Make an effort to show an interest and want sex once in a while. It makes a world of difference.
• Don’t be afraid to initiate sex. I love to feel wanted and desired.
• I wish my wife knew that I want her to be involved in developing our intimacy, and not just wait for me to start something or suggest something new.

Let’s Go, Girls

You made it to the end—and honestly, I hope you’re feeling empowered, inspired, and maybe even a little turned on. 😉 Whether you’re just beginning to explore what your husband truly needs in the bedroom or you’re already on fire together, know this: it’s not about being perfect. It’s about being present, playful, and wildly in love.

You have everything you need to make your love life unforgettable. And the best part? It gets better when you choose to lean in—with confidence, curiosity, and a little bit of sass.

So go on, beautiful. Flirt with your husband. Make the first move. Let him catch you. 💋