Keeping the Romance Alive AFTER Kids

Keep the Marriage Romance Alive AFTER Kids:

10 Things Close Couples Do

That’s a question we get asked a lot. And we get it! It can be hard to keep the spark and husband and wife romance in your marriage when you’re up all night with a crying baby… and surrounded by dirty diapers. The shift from husband and wife to mommy and daddy can be a tricky transition for some marriages. But we strongly believe that you have to create your own happily ever after. Love is a choice! And here at The Dating Divas, we’re all about being intentional in creating marriage romance.  So we’re answering the age-old question…

“Romance after kids – does it exist?”  

Keeping the Romance Alive After Baby

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Think of all the couples you know that have kids. Now think of that couple that is still madly in love! The ones that still act like newlyweds even though they have several little ones in tow. What are they doing differently? What’s their secret to keeping the husband and wife romance? Well, I asked several of them to find out – and these are the 10 things that kept coming up as we learned about how parenthood shaped their marriage romance.

Tip for Creating a Husband and Wife Romance

1.  Make Date Night a Priority

You had to see this one coming. I mean, we are The Dating Divas – it’s the whole reason why we started this blog. The truth is – dating each other is what made you fall in love in the first place.  So it makes sense that you should keep dating to stay in love.  If you don’t want the fire to die out – you gotta keep blowing on the flames.  Right?  It doesn’t have to be an elaborate, over-the-top date. Even if it’s just talking & laughing over a shared sandwich or candy bar…. in whispered tones so the baby stays asleep!  Just set aside time each week for just the two of you to reconnect.  {Family nights are great, but they don’t count as date night!}  You need time to be husband and wife instead of mom and dad.

I think most of us know we should be making time for date night regularly, but the reality is that it isn’t always happening. We get it – it’s hard!  Especially if you have little ones at home.  But if you’re honest with yourself you’ll admit that if it’s important- you’ll find a way. If it’s not – you’ll find an excuse. That’s why we put together our popular Date Night Guide. Remember, you always have time for the things you put first! If you’re struggling with this one – you need to stop right now and get our Date Night Guide then go read “Great Ideas for Making Date Night Happen.”  It’s full of practical solutions for overcoming all of your date night challenges. And if you’re a new parent looking to rekindle the marriage romance, make sure to check out our New Parents Cozy Date Night! It has everything you need for a romantic, at-home date with your sweetheart. So, no more excuses!

You Always Have Time for the Things You Put First

2.  Spoil Your Spouse, Not Your Kids

One of the very best things you can do for your kids is to put your spouse first!  Strong marriages make strong families.  Not only does it provide your children with a sense of safety and security, but it shows them what real love should look like.   If you are always putting your children before your husband, you are not doing them any favors.  In fact, you’re doing them a great disservice.  I get it – your husband is a grown man who can take care of himself and your children are small and need you.  But do you know what they need the most?  They need a happy home.   And happy couples create happy homes.  When you’re working together to be a better husband and wife – you will be better parents.   Not convinced?  Then, I highly recommend you hop on over and read “10 Reasons Why You Should Spoil Your Spouse!”

Marriage Quote

3.  Bring Back the PDA

 I bet when you first started dating and fell in love, you couldn’t keep your hands off each other. Am I right?  You were always cuddling up, holding hands, and sneaking in extra kisses. Well, how affectionate are you now?  After kids come along, things can get a little trickier in this department.  I mean, it’s hard to snuggle up when you’re holding a baby and the toddler’s crawling all over you.  But it’s important to be intentional in your relationship so you can keep that closeness.  Physical touch should be happening regularly – and I’m talking about outside of the bedroom, too!  Give him a little love tap as you’re passing him in the hall, hold hands when you’re driving in the car, or pause for a quick dance in the kitchen.

Sometimes parents back off on the PDA because they don’t want to gross out the kids.  But I say…  go ahead and gross out the kids! Obviously you want to keep things G-rated in front of them, but it’s okay for them to see you kissing, cuddling, dancing, and being in love! In fact, it’s good for them. Part of our job as parents is to model what a strong marriage looks like. Besides, I don’t know about you but, I never want my children to question whether or not I love their dad. I want it to be glaringly obvious.

Be Good Parents. Gross Out Your Kids

4.  Make time to transition from “mom mode” to “wife mode”

One of the best things we’ve done for our marriage is being consistent and firm about bedtime.  Our kids know that after bedtime is “our time!”  After 8 o’clock I am no longer mom – I’m Becca.  After dealing with diapers and crying all day, I need a break and time to transition from “mom mode” to “wife mode.”    After the kids are in bed, I take a nice hot bubble bath {this stuff is my favorite!} or shower and let all the stress of the day wash down the drain (along with the spit-up that I’m usually covered in.)   Afterward I always feel more refreshed and more me.  Besides, I’m much more likely to cuddle up close to my hubby when I’m feeling clean and smelling yummy.  Whatever you need to do to transition out of “mom mode”- make time for it!  Sure, being a mom is a 24/7 gig, but remember- so is being a wife!  And you’ll be a much better, happier mom if you make time for yourself too.

Be a Full-Time 24-7 Wife

5.  The Simplest Marriage Romance: Get Your Flirt On

Yeah, you’re his wife – but never stop being his girlfriend!   Don’t lose the playful, fun part of your relationship – that’s where all the romance is! Don’t stop flirting! Especially at home. Adapt to and learn the art of flirting in front of your children.  Leave love notes for him to find, send flirty text messages while he’s at work, or give him a small gift – just because!   It’s time to reclaim the FUN in your marriage.  Have inside jokes! Find moments to laugh together.  If you feel like you’ve forgotten how to flirt or you’re a little out of practice – no worries!  We have a whole list of “101 Ways to Flirt with Your Spouse” to get you started.

Never Stop Being His Girlfriend

6.  Quit the Competition

Don’t play the “who’s doing more work” or “who has it harder” game.  The truth is, being a mom is hard.  Being a dad is hard.  But you have to remember that you’re on the same team.  If one of you loses you both lose.  Instead of complaining and comparing, work together to support, complement, and encourage each other.  You should be your spouse’s biggest fan and cheerleader.  Not his rival or competitor.  So ditch the scoreboard and stop keeping track.  Complete each other- don’t compete with each other.  Take time to continue sharing your hopes and dreams with each other. (Create a bucket list – include things you consider both doable and far-fetched; nothing is too small or big. Have fun! keep adding to and checking things off)

Complete Each Other - Don't Compete With Each Other

7.  Be His Lover, Not His Mother

Even though you’re a mom, you are not his mom!  Never give into the urge to nag or mother your spouse.  Too often women complain that their husband “acts like one of the kids.”  Well, if you want him to act like a man, then you need to treat him like one.  Give him the love and respect that he deserves and never talk down to him or about him.   You wouldn’t like him acting like your dad and telling you what to do, right?  So remember it goes both ways.  If you want to be treated like a queen, treat him like a king.

Be Your Husband's Lover, NOT his Mother

8.  Get on the Same Parenting Page

Parenting is a tough gig. Chances are, you and your spouse are probably going to have different parenting styles.  It’s important to be united as a team, so the kids can’t pit you against each other.  While most of us can agree that we both have our child’s best interest at heart, we sometimes disagree on what that “best” is.  Because we were all raised differently, we bring different viewpoints and experiences into our marriage.  Now remember, you don’t have to think alike to think together.  But you do have to learn to practice honest, open communication. And it usually requires a great deal of humility and patience.   It might not always be easy, but parenting is one of the best ways that we can work to become one in our marriage. {If you’re looking for a good parenting book we HIGHLY recommend Parenting with Love and Logic and The 5 Love Languages of Children! Those are our top 2 go-to parenting books by far.}

Parenting Joke

9.  Husband and Wife Romance: Make Love to Stay in Love

It’s totally true – making love is one of the best ways to stay in love.  It’s about a lot more than just sex.  Intimacy is like the glue in a marriage.  Besides being FUN and creating a stronger marital connection and bond, it also has some pretty nice benefits too! Ready to hear ’em?  Here we go — regular sex has also been scientifically proven to help you:  weigh less, look younger, have less wrinkles, have less stress, gain more confidence, AND have less headaches.  And those are just my favorite benefits!  I mean come on – why would you NOT want those? I’d be interested just for the beauty benefits alone.

Yes, it can get a little trickier after the kids come. Maybe you’re always tired and exhausted – or over-touched from having kids climbing on you all day.  But intimacy is a vital part of your marriage, and it’s worth any time and effort that it takes to improve it. If you’re struggling in this area, communicate with your spouse and let him know that you want to work on it together. {That’s one of the reasons why we created our Intimacy Conversation Starter Cards.} Maybe that means having him watch the kids while you take a nap so you’re not so tired or having him give you a massage using nice oils to relax.  Or maybe it means getting your hormones checked.  Whatever it is – make it important to you. Because it’s important to your marriage. {Need somewhere to start your marriage romance? We recommend you start with our 7 Days of Sex Challenge and then maybe move on to our DIY Sexy Subscription Box and our Ultimate Intimacy Mega Pack.} Plus we also have a Sexy Gift Guide chuck full of great ideas!

Making Love is one of the best ways to stay in love!

10.  Don’t Give Up

Romance in marriage is not a one-time commitment or act, it’s a continuous decision. Romance in marriage is about choosing each other again and again—every day. It’s about forgiving, learning, and growing. It’s about falling in love with each other over and over again. It’s the little things we choose to do each day. Pray for each other. Serve each other. Love only diminishes when we stop giving it, so never stop. Marriage is a 365 Day a year gig, your marriage romance should be too.

Inspirational Quote

And there you have it – the 10 secrets to keeping the magic and romance in your marriage, even after kids!  

 Do you have anything husband and wife romance ideas you’d add to the list? Let us know in the comments! We’re always looking for more ideas on how to romance your wife or husband and tips for strengthening our marriages. 

Pssst… for more ideas on how to keep the romance alive after kids, make sure to check out our 45 At-Home Date Night Ideas for After the Kids are in Bed AND How to Organize a Babysitting Co-Op.

About the Author: Becca

Besides my hilariously witty husband, I love a good book, sappy songs, old black-and-white movies, cute crafts, and all things chocolate. I have four (seriously adorable) little kiddos at home and they definitely keep life at home FUN!

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Recent Comments

55 Responses to Keeping the Romance Alive AFTER Kids

  1. LOVE ALL THESE TIPS!!! You must have a great marriage and have examples of really strong marriages around you. I especially like your tip of ” marriage is a continuous decision” …I should put that on my wall somewhere. I think it has saved many marriages.

  2. We like to do cute little things to let the other know that we’re thinking about each other. Like leaving Flirty messages for each other on the bathroom mirror with a dry erase marker or I’ll write a compliment on a slip of paper and put in in his sun visor in his truck, even just shooting each other a random text like “You’re amazing!” Or “Hey beautiful” Can make such a difference. He’ll stop on the way home and pick up my favorite treat for us to share or pick me a flower from the garden. It’s the little things that can be constant reminders of the constant love we share for each other that keeps things alive 🙂 we’ve been married for 9 years and always receive compliments on how cute we are Lol We feel like we did when we started dating cause we still act like We’re dating each other 🙂 I love your posts! It’s always fun to try new things and add a little spice to our already playful relationship! Thank you!

  3. I love this!! 🙂 We’ve been adjusting to having a little one around and keeping our marriage a priority has been important to us. Thanks for the great suggestions and at home date night ideas!

  4. WOW! This is excellent. This is my first time on this website and I’m loving it already. Thank you for reminding me that I am his lover, not his mother. I’m guilty of looking at my husband as though one of my kids (when I have to remind him to comb his hair, put his dirty socks away, eat without spilling crumbs everywhere, etc) and I’m renewing my mind right away. He’s my husband, not my oldest baby 🙂

  5. These are all vital! We are both people who are into routine, but when our daughter came along we became even more routine. Which honestly can get a bit boring. So we have been intentional about mixing things up like out date nights and our sex, but even little things like recipes we try and how we spend our evening family time. This has been really helpful for us!

  6. Thanks I needed this! We have our 11st baby and she is 7 months old, we had a difficult pregnancy and a few months following it but now we are on the up and up and need to find ourselves and our romance again!

  7. Nice!! I really like it and happy to know that without I mean it I did create a time every day for just my husband and me. Since my pregnancy I was always worried about becoming a mom might make me forget the woman in me so I tried all my best to show my self and my husband that I can manage both roles being a mom and a wife in the same time. Now my daughter is 2. I know it is not easy but hope God will help me to make it better and better.

    1. So happy you’re keeping your priorities through everything! 🙂 We really think that being intentional is what it’s ALL about! God Bless! XOXO

  8. Such a wondeful and well written post!! I can relate to most of the points there..couldn’t have found anything better to understand what’s happening to me post baby. Thanks again Becca xoxo

  9. Thanks a lot..! Dear Becca….!!
    I’ve read the two articles “10 things the close couples do to keep the romance alive after kids” and ” 10 ways porn puts your Marriage in danger”.
    I am working as a Sr. College Asst. prof. in a reputed college and also a young dad of a 2 year old girl Shreeya. Your articles really helping me at my job and in my relation wife having successful shift as a professor in college in front of girl students of young age in college and at my home as dad during day and a good husband at night..!!!!

    1. You’re so welcome, Ashish! So glad you’ve found our articles helpful. Being a great husband and father is not an easy task, but we’re so grateful for good men out there like you.

  10. I came back again to post this comment. I tried your suggestion of ” bring the PDA back” being a typical indian male, I was shy/traditional to keep romantic features in private only, who would imagine such a guy doing this after 7 years of marriage … I tried it in front of my mom, a friend couple who was visiting us …I just held her hand n kissed her hands and thanked her for being such a wonderful wife …And believe me …Her face …It was like … Blushing …. I don’t remember such blush in last many years …So thanks for the wonderful tip!

  11. I am a 48 yr.old single woman. I’ve not married or have children yet. So it would seem this article would not pertain to me but I will say, I found your article one of the most insightful, eye opener pieces I’ve read about marriage. I come from a divorce family where I did not get to see my parents hugging, kissing or interacting as a couple much or manage as united parents a lot of the times and all through my life all I’ve wanted most is to have a family of my own with a partner that I am a great team with as a woman and mother. Its been hard to realize that, specially not knowing what to expect or having had that experience first hand from either side: as a child or now as an adult but finding enlightening and thought provoking articles like yours, bringing about how we might feel at times (re: exhausted or overtouched by the kids and not craving intimacy at the moment or working as a united team so the kids cant pit the parents against one another) certainly puts me a tad closer to making this happen. Thank you!

    1. Jessica, your comment made our day! Thank you so much for taking the time to share your kind and thoughtful words. Kudos to you for taking the time to read articles and looking to learn to give yourself the education your childhood might not have offered you. You’re going to be such a great wife and mom one day! Wishing you all the best! XOXO

  12. Hi Becca, i just wanted to thank you for your wonderful site and article. I’ve been married for 21 years and you’d think i should already know alot of these things but truth is you kind of forget to take care of each other or you lose sight of things along the way. We kind of hit a rough patch for a while, now we are trying so hard at making things right for us, i found your acticle so helpful, i really wanted to acknowledge you and i can’t wait to try some of these tips. I guess we never really stop learning. From one happy mum/wife/woman to another. God bless you xoxox

    1. Oh Lorena, thank you so much for taking the time to comment! That just made my day. I’m so glad that you found the article helpful. Kudos to you for 21 years of marriage and for still making it a priority. God bless you both! XOXO

  13. Great information ahead! I really agree with you. As a couple you have to complete each other’s pleasure. It is very essential to be a husband and wife first and don’t forget that, because your baby is going to grow watching a very good connection.

  14. Timeless wisdom this article is and it looks like the comments just keep coming. My wife and I are going on 27 years of marriage with soon to be 26 (Daughter about done with medical school) and 24 (talented autistic son/artist) year old kids. I was the one to give up the career so my wife could maintain a medical practice. Some of these things are definitely missing in our lives and I’m trying to be the one to bring them back. Putting the kids First was our or my downfall. Now that we are out of those woods, I’m trying to do all the right things but it is hit and miss, but I won’t stop trying. Thanks again for this refreshing list of challenges.

    1. Sounds like your wife picked well- good for you for not stopping and always trying. So glad you enjoyed the article and we wish you all the best!