How You and Your Spouse Can Embrace Each Other’s Flaws
Flaws. Everyone has them, and it’s probably fair to assume that most people want to change them … especially when they see flaws in their spouse.
Let’s dive into how we can change that narrative by loving and embracing each other’s flaws. Because let’s be honest, YOU have them, too!
Why Do We Feel the Need to Change Our Spouse’s Character Flaws?
We see it all the time in rom-coms: guy meets girl, girl sees flaws in guy, girl tries changing guy, guy doesn’t want to change, guy breaks up with girl… And then, somehow, they end up together again after guy decides that girl is right and he needs to change after all.
I think we can ALL agree that this is incredibly unrealistic in the real world.
Hollywood glamorizes the thought of falling in love with a “fixer-upper” and spending our whole lives trying to change them. I don’t know about you, but that seems exhausting!
It’s not just Hollywood, either. I see so many instances of married couples posting about their spouse’s flaws/imperfections, as well as little quirks that drive them bonkers, all over social media. And the sad thing is, their followers love to see it! In fact, they applaud it!
How would you feel if your spouse publicly shared their opinion about your own character flaws for everyone in the world to see?
We live in a world where if something isn’t broken, most people still try to fix it. And if something is broken, most people give up on it. I believe we can change that, and it starts with us.
When It Comes to Flaws, It’s All About Changing our Mindset
“Life’s got a way of amplifying the bad and forcing out the good… We see flaws before we recognize beauty. We’re quicker to remember someone’s hate than their love. But life’s so much better when we fight with everything in us to hold on to what’s good.” ―Josh Roberts
I love this quote, and I think it can directly apply to marriage. We can choose to focus on the good in our spouse versus spending our time harrumphing about these little imperfections they possess. Let’s fight to see the beauty in our spouse!
My husband and I are both flawed people, and I’m not going to lie and say that our flaws don’t drive us nuts sometimes. He leaves the toilet seat up, and I leave my makeup all over the counter. When we were first married, we argued with each other about these little imperfections all the time, and it was exhausting!
We finally came to realize two things:
- These flawed habits aren’t really a big deal.
- These flaws don’t define who we are as individuals.
As soon as we decided to let go of the unrealistic expectation that both of us should be flawless, it was easier to look past each other’s imperfections. And can I just say, WOW, what a difference this change in mindset made!
We started to recognize the beauty in each other, and we started to outwardly express our appreciation for the good things that the other brought to the table. Instead of starting the mornings off with, “I can’t brush my teeth because your makeup is all over the counter,” or “I can’t stand when you leave the toilet seat up,” we started saying things like, “I really appreciate how you always clean up your breakfast mess,” and “your timeliness is really helping me manage my time better.”
Over time, it became easier and easier to overlook these little quirks that drive us nuts and focus more on the amazing person that we chose to marry. This small change had major (positive!) consequences in our lives. First and foremost, it filled our home with so much more love!
How to Change Our Mindset to Be More Positive About Little Imperfections
So, how can you change your mindset when it comes to seeking out your spouse’s flaws?
- Approach with LOVE. Take a good look at your spouse. Aren’t they cute? What is it you love about them? What do they excel at? What positive things do they bring to your marriage? What are three things you absolutely adore about them? I ask you to name at least five things that you either love about your spouse or something that your spouse is good at every single day, no matter how bothered you may be feeling about their character flaws.
- Start with their smallest imperfections. I don’t think it’s possible to change your entire mindset overnight! Choose something that you can more easily ignore/look past, and have a goal to focus on ignoring that one thing every single day. After all, baby steps are better than no steps at all!
- Assume the best, not the worst. This is something my husband and I say to each other whenever we’re having a misunderstanding. “Honey, please assume the best of me, not the worst.” This is usually said when one of us may be misinterpreting what the other is saying or we’re misreading the other’s intentions. I think this same thing can be applied to looking past flaws. Assume that your spouse has the best intentions and is absolutely not doing anything to intentionally make you mad or drive you crazy.
- Take a look inside yourself and realize that you aren’t perfect, either. It’s important to remember that! It is so incredibly easy to find something wrong with other people, and it’s so hard to see anything wrong with ourselves. Level the playing field by realizing that you’re BOTH imperfect, but you both deserve love and patience!
- Throw out the idea that your spouse needs to change for you. We all have bad habits, and trust me when I say those habits can be super irritating in marriage! But it’s important to understand the difference between helping your spouse create better habits and trying to change who your spouse is as a person. Your spouse doesn’t need to change for you because you married them for who they are, flaws and all.
- Remember that you and your spouse are a TEAM. It’s the two of you against the world, not each other. Use each other’s strengths and weaknesses for the joint benefit of the TEAM. For example, if your spouse doesn’t always remember to place their dirty dishes in the dishwasher or is prone to letting the laundry pile up, but their attention to detail is unparalleled when it comes to paying bills on time or planning vacations, do you focus solely on the weaknesses or divvy up the household tasks based on what you’re each good at? Seems like a no-brainer, right? This reinforces the concept of focusing on each other’s positive attributes, using them for the benefit of the team, and learning to live with (and make peace with!) each other’s imperfections.
We understand that these tips may take some time to become your automatic response to imperfections but trust me, the results in your marriage will be far-reaching and profound.
Marriage Is Really Just Two Imperfect People Loving Each Other, NO Matter What
Hyper-focusing on each other’s flaws will bring nothing but sorrow and contention to your marriage. Don’t fill your marriage with unrealistic expectations of perfection, and don’t spend your time finding and fixing each other’s flaws.
One of the secrets to a good marriage is loving each other unconditionally, just the way you are. Love takes grace, patience, and work. Love is a choice, day in and day out!
You chose your spouse for a reason, despite their little flaws. My best advice in this situation is to not allow yourself to forget that reason, even when your spouse leaves their dirty dishes in the sink. 😉
