Find the Most Happiness in Your Sex Life
Happy couples have more sex! This is actually a scientific fact. There are so many physical and emotional benefits from having sex: looking better, feeling more confident, being healthier and feeling an increased attraction towards your spouse. And of course, good sex makes you smile because it causes your brain to release serotonin which is known as the “Happy Hormone” and an antidepressant.
Unfortunately, sometimes married life is hard and intimacy isn’t always the easiest…. there are miscommunications and life can get busy and overwhelming.
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One of our most common reader questions is from couples who have lost the romance in their sex life and don’t know how to get it back! We know how important romance and intimacy is in marriage and really want to help others find happiness in their married life. We asked our readers to fill out a survey sharing what the most common obstacles are and how they have tried to overcome them.
It was heartbreaking to read about some of the obstacles that people are working through. However, we loved all the positive feedback that we received and how simple some of the solutions really are. In true Diva fashion, we wanted to share some advice with you! Hopefully, if you are struggling with intimacy you can find comfort and motivation to keep working at it and building your marriage after reading some feedback from couples just like you!
Do you feel like you’ve lost that lovin’ feeling with your spouse? Check out Diva Central for even MORE great ideas on getting it back!
The Most Common Obstacles in Intimacy
There are a lot of things that could become obstacles if we let them. Here are the top obstacles recorded from our reader survey and mentioned in our frequently asked reader questions.
71% of readers said that they were just too tired.
47% said they were feeling stressed or too busy.
40% said that a lack of confidence and lack of an emotional connection were major obstacles in their sex life.
Lack of interest or desire, not knowing how to initiate and communicate about sex and trust were also mentioned.
Some other obstacles included too much familiarity, pressure from work, poor health, getting too old, overwhelming household responsibilities and too focused on raising a family.
Solutions to Help You Find the Most Happiness in Your Sex Life
Many of our readers said that they have not been able to overcome some of these obstacles, while others offered advice and solutions that worked for them. We’re including specific quotes from readers that have had success in their marriage in the hopes that it will help others!
1. Too Tired
I’ve read that as far as life goes, if you’re not tired, you’re doing it wrong. So the trick is to figure out how to make time for intimacy even when you are tired. If you can, just get rid of that excuse all together. If not, make a goal to help you and your spouse achieve more sexy time. I love all the suggestions mentioned by readers:
- A lot of times I think I’m too tired, so I stress myself thinking that sex is going to keep us late! But in all reality, sex doesn’t really take that long! And as soon as things get started, I always enjoy it and I know it’s really important for my husband, which makes me happy. I think most of the time it’s just a mental obstacle!
- Sex before T.V. Make it a priority to be intimate after the kids are in bed, before we turn on the T.V.
- We have scheduled sexy time on the calendar. It removes the spontaneous nature, yes. But it’s replaced by knowing what is coming up and gives me time to get ready and also not burn myself out earlier in the day.
- Being in the mindset all day that “it’s going to happen tonight” helps put me in the mood has helped quite a bit.
- Setting aside a special time, making it a priority.
- Plan! I’ve had to convince my husband that sex is not just for bed time!
- Getting a nap in during the day so I’m not so tired later.
- We are up at 4:20 am and work till 5 pm…necessary for the job. So we both are quite tired and it leaves very little time during the week. By the time we prepare dinner, eat and get a few things done or run a few errands, it’s bedtime and up again at 4:20. We try to use non-traditional times to be together. Occasionally, during the day, we might have adequate time off together so we use it to our advantage. Otherwise, we use the weekends to be “together” as much as we can. We are conscious of how important it is for us, so we make sure we make the time.
- Going to bed early! If we wait to go to bed until we are tired then we are, well . . . too tired for sex!
2. Stressed and Busy
Amen to that! Aren’t we all stressed and busy!? Don’t let the stresses of life keep you from relieving the stresses of life. Sex is actually a great way to unwind and let go. Endorphins released during good sex help couples better manage stressful situations.
- De-stress together by giving each other massages and talking about things that are on your minds… it often naturally leads to sex, but even if it doesn’t, it helps us feel less stress and more love for each other.
- It’s easy to fill my mind with all the other things I need to get done and when we “need” to be intimate I have to work really hard to block out my to-do’s, stop worrying, and relax. I also struggle with negative thoughts so combating those with positive thinking helps. Praying both as a couple and individually for God to bless us in this area. Trying to be rested.
- Getting my husband to help with bedtime routine with the kids. 1. I love getting his help, 2. it speeds up the routine, 3. the kids get time with Daddy, and 4 I don’t feel quite as stressed!
- I’m such a planner, so I’ve found if I mentally schedule time for intimacy, I am able to clear my schedule so my day ends earlier. That way, I’m not tired and I’m looking forward to “bedroom” time with my sweetie!
3. Lack of Confidence
Anyone can become more confident, you have to make the decision to work toward it. Confidence comes with practice and preparation. Figure out what it is that is holding you back and do something about it. E.E. Cummings said, “Once we believe in ourselves, we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight, or any experience that reveals the human spirit.“
- Becoming more comfortable in my own skin as I get older. My husband and I both make sure each other knows how important we are to each other in and out of the bedroom to build on our love for each other.
- Turn the lights off!
- Making sure I have things that I feel ‘sexy’ in that help me get ‘in the mood.’ It boosts my confidence. Also, getting a babysitter to give us alone time has helped.
- Thinking about sex throughout the day. Shaving my legs. Listening to sexy music.
- I like to find something new and fun to wear.
- We build each other up with positive compliments throughout the day and after being intimate.
4. Lack of Emotional Connection
Creating an emotional connection is important for both husband and wife! You need to cultivate your connection on a daily basis by showing an interest in your spouse. The Divas strongly believe that having a weekly date night helps couples connect. When you have a special date night where you are completely focused on your spouse, you are creating an emotional connection. Here are some other ideas from readers to help increase emotional connection:
- Talking to each other.
- Pillow talk at night.
- Love notes and flirting throughout the week.
- Sometimes after a long day, or when I haven’t seen my hubby in a while, he’s ready to go and be intimate right away, but I need time to connect emotionally first. I need to talk, unwind, and have a little romance to get me in the mood for loving!
- Spending more time together.
- Shower together.
- Date night helps clear your mind and focus on each other.
5. Lack of Interest
Did you know that the more you have sex, the more you want to have sex? Even if your sex drive is lower, if you make an effort to have sex with your spouse more often, that could change. Even just knowing the benefits of having sex can help you to feel more of a desire for it. Especially if you think about how much having sex benefits your spouse. Just do it!
- My husband would happily lose sleep every night for sex. Unfortunately, the desire for sex is a lot lower in me. Twenty years into our marriage I looked at all the things that I spend my time on and realized that kids and projects took up the majority of my time and that I was not putting much effort into my marriage. Why would I spend hours and hours planning a party for one of my kids and not expend any energy on a date night with my husband? When I read your post suggesting a “lingerie-of-the-month club” I decided that it really was what my husband wanted for Christmas and decided to give it a try. What I have found is that as I focus on “us” and especially on my husband (planning activities for a date coinciding with his receipt of the lingerie, choosing the lingerie itself, cooking with his tastes in mind) I am more emotionally invested in our marriage, I look forward to the sex dates that I plan, and I even desire sex more frequently. And my husband is happier too. He loves that I take the reins and plan something other than our usual dinner out and adores getting the wrapped lingerie every month. Nothing worth doing happens by accident – “Labor is the price of cleanliness and progress and prosperity” (Gordon B. Hinckley), including the progress and prosperity required for a great marriage.
- Going for it anyway! I may not be into it at first but I definitely get there. Also, when I take a step back and realize what an incredible catch I’ve got, I want to be with him more and more! Lately I’ve been doing stuff with him that I generally don’t enjoy and he usually does by himself or with his male family members like hunting and horseback riding. When he sees me making an effort, it makes him love me (and want me) even more!
- Just buckle down and do it. It usually ends up being a good thing but I have to get over the mental obstacle of not wanting to first.
- Often times just one of us doesn’t feel like it. Instead of just not doing it, we do it regardless. It’s not just about me and it’s not just about him – it’s about fulfilling that need for the other person. My grandmother always told my mom, who always told me, that if I’m not taking care of my husband’s needs, someone else will come along who is more than happy to fulfill those needs for him. So on those days when I really don’t feel like it, it helps me to realize that I’m thankful he’s looking to me to fulfill that need and I know it’s vice versa. He doesn’t want me feeling like I’m not getting what I need from him.
You have to constantly be communicating in a positive way with your spouse–whether it is about sex or just life in general. When it comes to sex, communication needs to happen as you or your spouse initiate sex, as well as during and after sex. Being open, honest and kind in your communication will lead to better sex. Here are a couple thoughts from readers:
- Communication. It’s hard for me to bring up complaints honestly and openly, but when I get up the courage, it does help me feel better and helps us understand where we can improve on meeting each other’s needs.
- We are currently using the 40 beads method from the 40 beads book. When my husband is in the mood, he places a bead in my beadcatcher bowl, then I know that he wants sex, and I have 24 hours to deliver. The beads eliminate missed signals and communication issues by giving us a tangible communication tool. The beads were a gift to him to let him know that I am committed to improving our sex life. It has worked well for us so far and it has been several months since we started.
- The book, And They Were Not Ashamed, is a great read to help couples get on the same page when it comes to intimacy.
7. Other Obstacles in Intimacy
Whether its being too familiar with each other, stuck in a routine or overwhelmed with other responsibilities, there is always something else you can do to switch things up and there is always hope. Here are a few other reader suggestions:
- Putting some extra effort in to make it special. i.e. wearing something nice, nice lighting, just changing it up.
- Try different times in the day and different locations.
- First and foremost, prayer. But other things: working out together; trying to eat healthier together. Just trying different things together so that one spouse doesn’t feel like it’s all their fault or their issue. Communication helps too, but is sometimes a very sensitive subject so it’s hard to be open and honest.
- We take an overnight getaway about once a month. It doesn’t help get things going again in OUR bedroom, but it gets us out of the normal setting where we can focus on each other.
- Check out The Dating Divas website for new and fun ideas to try out, or grab a few items to help spice things up in the bedroom!
And if you’re still looking for some advice on how to overcome some of these obstacles, our Reclaim Your Marriage Program is a 10 week program that focuses on strengthening your marriage by working through a lot of these obstacles that married couples face. It has a whole week dedicated to intimacy and is a great resource to overcoming these obstacles and creating a happy marriage!