Discussing Low Sex Drive in Men
Low sex drive in men is a sensitive topic that isn’t discussed often, and unfortunately, we live in a society that puts most of the libido-blame on women. In fact, low sex drive in men hasn’t been researched very thoroughly until recently, which has left room for many myths to form around the sexuality of both men and women.
If you are one of the thousands of women suffering emotionally, physically, and mentally due to a low-drive husband or a sexless marriage, please know you are not alone. This post {and HUG} is for you.
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Table of Contents
When You Start to Think, “My Husband Has Lost Interest In Me Sexually.”
Wives of husbands with low sex drive know that it isn’t easy to cope with this reality in their marriage, especially since it is so unacknowledged in a culture that is obsessed with the idea of sex-hungry men. Sound familiar?
We are sure this topic tugs at the very fibers of our femininity when so much of how we feel about our sexiness can sometimes be dependent upon the initiation from our men (or lack thereof!).
Or, even more devastating, the lack of sex in your marriage may be causing your mind to jump to the worst possible conclusions as to why this is happening.
Have you ever thought to yourself, “My husband has lost interest in me sexually?”
“When he says, ‘I’m too tired,’ or you realize he hasn’t initiated the deed in several months, your mind almost immediately goes to the worst possible reasons behind it: Is he not attracted to me anymore? Is he unhappy? Is he having an affair?
“‘Society makes us think that it’s abnormal if a man isn’t wanting sex all the time,” says New York-based couples therapist Cynthia Pizzulli, Ph.D. She adds that it can lead to thoughts like: ‘If my man doesn’t want sex all the time, something must be wrong with me,” or “He doesn’t desire me anymore,’ or ‘It’s a catastrophe, we’re going to end up divorced.'” – Brielle Gregory, 6 Possible Reasons Your Husband Doesn’t Want Sex Like He Used To
However, society isn’t the only one at blame here. Hollywood and the music industry both play a huge role in the myths surrounding male sexuality. Think about popular music and your favorite rom-coms. Both are forcing the same narrative: men are sex hungry all the time, period.
Elizabeth Bernstein agrees. She states, “The image we have of men is being reinforced everywhere. Movies and songs portray men as dogs who always want sex.”
If this is all we see, how can women not believe this to be the truth? And not just us, but men!
Imagine how this narrative makes the men feel when they are the ones to experience the lower sex drive in their relationship? They may feel broken, misunderstood, trapped, and as though something in the essence of their masculinity has been stripped of them. Unfortunately, this gender-pointed libido narrative isn’t only damaging women; it’s hurting our husbands, too.
Ladies, take note and trust us when we say that this false narrative is so extremely damaging and it couldn’t be further from the truth. Period.
We aren’t saying having a low sex drive is necessarily normal. However, it is much more common than society wants us to think. That said, let’s jump into some factors that could be contributing to your husband’s low sex drive.
Low Sex Drive, Or Lack of Interest?
So, does your husband have a low sex drive, or is he simply at a stage in his life where he is temporarily losing interest in sex?
The following information is from the article 6 Possible Reasons Your Husband Doesn’t Want Sex Like He Used To. We highly recommend reading the article in its entirety!
We noticed that this particular article didn’t automatically jump to a libido problem. Cynthia Pizzulli, Ph.D. states, “A lack of sexual intimacy is a couple’s related issue, not an individual issue.”
The article says, “She [Pizzulli] encourages women not to personalize it, but rather, be willing to work on connecting as a team. And before you jump to any conclusions as to why things have changed, here are six common reasons your husband might be losing interest in sex—and what you can do to reignite the spark.”
We have listed Dr. Pizzulli’s six common reasons below:
- Priorities have shifted
- He has a medical condition
- Your relationship has become platonic
- He’s stressed
- He’s uncomfortable initiating sex
- He has a low sex drive
Again, we strongly suggest reading the article for yourself. Each bullet point has an explanation behind it, and that information may be incredibly helpful!
If the first five reasons don’t seem to be answering your questions, then it is possible that number six is the key: your husband has a low sex drive.
What Causes a Low Sex Drive in Men?
If you believe your husband has a libido problem, then we’re sure you have already researched “how to increase sex drive men” or “how to increase male libido.” Right? Time to put Google aside because we’ve done some research for you.
Please note: the following information is not provided because we are trying to diagnose your husband. We are not doctors or therapists, so we cannot do so. However, these materials are incredibly resourceful and may help you and your husband determine which direction to take when it comes to helping.
We found an article on Healthline that answers this question. Low Sex Drive: Common Causes and Treatment was written by Stacey Feintuch and medically reviewed by Daniel Murrell, M.D.
Stacey writes, “It’s common to lose interest in sex sometimes, and libido levels vary through life. It’s also normal for your interest to not match your partner’s sometimes.”
“However, low libido for a long period of time may cause concern for some people. It can sometimes be an indicator of an underlying health condition.”
The following 12 causes for a low sex drive in men are mentioned in Stacey’s article:
- Low testosterone
- Medications
- Restless Legs Syndrome (RLS)
- Depression
- Chronic illness
- Sleep problems
- Aging
- Stress
- Low self-esteem
- Too little (or too much) exercise
- Alcohol
- Drug use
It’s hard to summarize such a well-written, educational article. Each of these 12 causes has a lot of information included (as well as applicable studies) so please read through it yourself. We think you may find the answer you’re looking for!
We noticed that nearly every other book or article we read during our research mentions at least 10 of the above 12 causes. Because of this, we feel certain that most professionals agree that these are the top causes of a low sex drive in men.
Looking for more information? Check out these helpful articles:
- What Causes Low Sex Drive in Men? – Written by Sheri Stritof, medically reviewed by Steven Gans, M.D.
- What Causes a Low Libido? – Written by Shannon Johnson, medically reviewed by Debra Sullivan, Ph.D., MSN, R.N., CNE, COI
- Deconstructing Sex Drive: What Your Libido Says About Your Health – Written by Beth Levine, medically reviewed by Allison Young, M.D.
- 5 Reasons Your Sex Drive Is So Low – Written by Elizabeth Millard, Men’sHealth
How to Increase Male Libido
There are no “cure-all” or “magic” pills out there that can help increase libido. However, there are ways your man can increase his sex drive naturally.
Check out the natural tips below.
The article 3 Methods to Increase Male Libido written by Prime Men’s Medical Center, has listed the following as common methods for increasing low libido in men:
- Eating aphrodisiacal fruits like figs, bananas, or avocados
- Taking supplements like Yohimbe or Ginkgo biloba
- Limiting alcohol to one glass of wine at dinner
- Increasing your sleep
- Consulting a medical professional who may recommend testosterone therapy
However, the article goes on to say, “Medical diagnosis may be required to determine and treat the root causes of low libido in men, because the truth of the matter is, a loss of libido is typically caused by multiple factors rather than just one.”
Healthline’s article Boost Your Libido With These 10 Natural Tips mentions the same five tips, but their list has some additional things your man can try:
- Grab some chocolate
- Try herbs
- Boost your self-confidence
- Reduce your stress
- Build trust in your relationships
- Consult a doctor
We thought “build trust in your relationships” was an interesting take on how to increase male libido, so we decided to dig a little deeper.
Dr. Sarah Hunter Murray, Ph.D. is a sex researcher and relationship therapist. Her book ‘Not Always in the Mood: The New Science of Men, Sex, and Relationships’ debunks several common myths in regard to men’s sexuality. Recently, Elizabeth Bernstein interviewed Dr. Murray in the article Debunking the Myths About Male Sexuality for the Wall Street Journal.
During the interview, Elizabeth posed the question, “What happens when the emotional connection in a relationship is missing?”
Dr. Murray replied, “His sexual desire tends to decrease. We hold this idea that men are always interested in sex. But men do say no when they aren’t feeling that emotional connection. Sometimes the problem is acute: They haven’t resolved a fight. Sometimes it’s grown over the course of the relationship—they feel increasingly disconnected over time.”
Elizabeth followed up with, “Is sex more emotional for men than people realize?”
To which Dr. Murray replied, “Absolutely. We talk about men’s sexual desire being largely triggered by physical appearance and things like lingerie, low-cut shirts, and high hemlines. And, of course, this is true. But what we miss is that the emotional piece often matters more.”
Isn’t this interesting? As women, we’ve been taught that we are the ones who crave the emotional bond that comes with sex and that our emotions have an impact on our sex life. But, according to Dr. Murray’s research, this is not the case. Men crave the emotional side of sex, too.
While we found this information interesting, please be aware that this may not be the case for every man struggling with a low sex drive. Regardless, it may be worth having an open, honest conversation with your husband about how he feels in regard to sex. Emotional intimacy is essential, and if he feels his emotional intimacy is lacking, this may be the cause of his lack of drive.
How to Cope With a Sexless Marriage
Thousands of couples are wondering the same thing.
We wish there was a definitive answer regarding how to cope with a sexless marriage. But, unfortunately, there isn’t just one easy answer. And while hearing “you aren’t alone” may be comforting, we understand it doesn’t truly help your situation.
Even though it doesn’t solve the problem, please repeat it to yourself anyway:
I am not alone.
In the article How to Cope With a Sexless Marriage, Joan McFadden suggests:
- Pick your moment to talk
- Pick your moment to listen
- Be honest with yourself and each other
- Decide whether sex is a deal-breaker for either of you
- Be patient
- Seek help together
And more. You can read the full article here.
We also recommend the highly-rated book ‘The Sex Starved Wife’ written by Michele Weiner Davis, relationship expert and founder of the Divorce Busting Center.
The Amazon book summary states,” ‘The Sex-Starved Wife‘ gives you the tools you need to present the information in the book so that your husband will not become defensive. You’ll even learn methods for overcoming sexual dysfunctions such as performance anxiety, premature ejaculation, and effective ways for dealing with pornography or infidelity.”
We have a post dedicated to sex books that may help you and your spouse as well: 10 Best Sex Books for You and Your Spouse.
Other than the recommendations above, we believe doing your research, talking with your spouse, praying together, and, if needed, seeking help from a therapist or doctor can all help you and your spouse cope with a sexless marriage.
Conclusion
Let’s debunk the myths of old. Let’s talk about this more. In doing so, we’ll prove to women that they aren’t alone, and we will also prove to the men with a low desire that they aren’t broken. Win-win, right?
We hope that as these myths are debunked, marriages will receive the help they need, and spouses will learn to reconnect sexually.
Be patient. Stay strong. You will get through this.
RESOURCES:
Online Resources:
- 6 Possible Reasons Your Husband Doesn’t Want Sex Like He Used To written by Brielle Gregory
- Low Sex Drive: Common Causes and Treatment written by Stacey Feintuch, medically reviewed by Daniel Murrell, M.D.
- 3 Methods to Increase Male Libido written by Prime Men’s Medical Center
- Boost Your Libido With These 10 Natural Tips, written by Healthline
- Debunking the Myths About Male Sexuality written by Elizabeth Bernstein for the Wall Street Journal
- How to Cope With a Sexless Marriage written by Joan McFadden
Books:
- Not Always in the Mood: The New Science of Men, Sex, and Relationships written by Dr. Sarah Hunter Murray, Ph.D.
- ‘The Sex Starved Wife’ written by Michele Weiner Davis
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